People Spouting Howdy Neighbour
by WensleydaleCheddar
Summary: South Park Aargh #04 - Episode 816. When Randy and his old rival join the boys' snowball fight, it becomes more and more serious. Meanwhile, Cartman tries to get proof of a certain kind of crime in Fiona's home and Mr. Garrison struggles with the fact that his assistant may be a better teacher than he is. Updated weekly.
1. Fiona McTeagle Does Not Eat Penguins

_**This episode was a bitch. Took me a really, really long time. Too much planning, too little writing. But it finally turned out okay, I like it a lot more than the previous ones. Fiona finally behaved just as I wanted, seems now like likable character even for me and stole neither Stan's/Kyle's, nor Cartman's spotlight. Wait, Fiona doesn't steal...? Something doesn't seem right.**_

_**Anyway, this fic contains the last (fairly) prominent OC I'm going to introduce. It's fun, but it takes a lot of work to 1) make the OC interesting, 2) give them interesting plots while not stealing attention from others, 3) make their appearance seem logical and in place.**_

_**Oh, some of you might want to leave this fic alone simply for the fact that I'm introducing a new OC, as if bloody Fiona wasn't enough. Don't worry. It's not another fourth grader.**_

_**And now for some formalities... The South Park franchise belongs to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I own my OC's and the stories, not the universe they take place in.**_

_**The story is written in the form of a script, to maintain the similarity to the original show. Kenny's lines are between brackets to indicate that they are muffled. Cartman's tendency to say "kewl" instead of "cool" is also maintained. I've decided to give Fiona an even stronger Scottish accent, so if it is difficult to read, please inform me.**_

_**Since I haven't got deleted yet, I hereby thank this site for understanding that format isn't the synonym of quality.**_

_**And now enjoy yourselves, lads and lasses, since it's going to be long...**_

* * *

_[South Park's third, country style title theme starts playing. SPA's new opening sequence starts with various shots of the fourth graders wearing blank faces appearing with the school bus stop as the background, starting with Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Butters, Jimmy, Wendy, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, Bebe, Token, Timmy, Red, Pip, Jason, Fiona and ending with Kenny being stomped on by a giant foot from Monty Python's Flying Circus openings]_

_**Les Claypool: **__I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time._

_[As he sings, we see a shot of Tweek from "Bloody Kleptomania" jittering while watching television in his living room. Then we can see two scenes from "Fiona" – Gerald bursting out of the courtroom and crying and Fiona meeting the Mary Sue clique in an empty classroom. Then we see two shots from "The Other Fourth Grade" – Mr. Venezuela dropping a truck of coal on Dogpoo Petuski and Bluecap resting his head on his hand in the Harrisons' home during their "family home evening"]_

**Kyle and Stan:** _Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!_

_[Kyle and Stan appear on the foreground, singing from different angles in a manner similar to season 12-13 openings. In the background, we can see random scenes from the three first SPA episodes: Kyle arguing with Cartman in the school corridor in "Fiona", Dogpoo trying to strangle Stan while Lizzy holds him down in "The Other Fourth Grade", Stan and Kyle searching for their wallets in the final scene of "Bloody Kleptomania" and Kyle walking out of the boys' bathroom in annoyance away from Fiona in "Bloody Kleptomania"]_

**Les Claypool:** _I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind._

_[We see Stan saying "Screw you guys, I'm going home" to Kyle, Fiona and Kenny in "Fiona", Dogpoo knocking on Cartman's bedroom door in "Bloody Kleptomania", Darryl Weathers and Skeeter Tucker on the news in "Bloody Kleptomania" and Cartman smiling cunningly while Lizzy is being taken away by the police in "The Other Fouth Grade"]_

**Cartman:** _Ample Parking Day or Night, people spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor"!_

_[Cartman appears on the foreground singing his lines while we see him jumping from the playground fence as Human Cannonball in "Fiona", Chef singing in the cafeteria and Mary Sues rioting in the courtroom in the same episode]_

**Les Claypool:** _I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind._

_[We see Jason shouting "Hooray!" happily in "Fiona", __Mackey pinning Fiona against the wall in "Fiona", Kenny being hit by a javelin in the eye in "The Other Fourth Grade" and__ Dogpoo yelling at everybody to shut up in his classroom in "The Other Fourth Grade"]_

_**Butters: **__Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples, loo, loo, loo, you've got some too!_

_[While Butters sings in the foreground, we see, in the background, him taking blood from Kenny in "Bloody Kleptomania", Jason making fun of Token for being poor in the school corridor, Clyde, Bebe, Esther and Timmy in a dungeon and Kyle closing his eyes in a rage in Stan's living room in the same episode]_

**Les Claypool: **_So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine._

_**SOUTH PARK AARGH: Episode 816/#04 – People Spouting Howdy Neighbour**_

* * *

_[The Boys and Fiona are playing soccer in Stan's backyard. Stan, Kyle and the Scottish girl on one side and Cartman with Kenny on the other. Cartman's the goalkeeper on Kenny's team]_

**CARTMAN**: ...And the hippie's got the ball! The hippie passes to the Mary Sue, the Mary Sue passes to the Jew, the poor kid attempts to take the ball away... And the Jew shoots! _[Easily defends Kyle's shot]_Fortunately, the amazing Eric Cartman successfully catches the ball again!

**FIONA**: _[somewhat impressed]_Wow, ye've got tae admit, Cartman's a stoatin' goalkeeper.

**KYLE**: That's because he's so fat.

**CARTMAN**: Ay!

**KYLE**: Well, it's true! Every time I shoot, your fat ass covers the whole net! You don't even have to move!

**CARTMAN**: Well, maybe you keep missing because you suck at sports! All Jews are terrible sportsmen, remember?

**KYLE**: _[rolls his eyes]_I don't suck at sports, you do, and only because of your weight, fatass!

**FIONA**: _[sighs, already tired of the two arguing]_Aye, aye, enuff, lads. Let's juist keep playin'.

**CARTMAN**: I don't take orders from a woman, Feehna!

**FIONA**: Oy! _[thinks for a second]_Dorn't ye call me a woman, fatarse! Aa'm a lass!

_[Stan pinches the bridge of his nose. Everyone else just frowns at her]_

**STAN**: ...Remind me, why is she even playing with us?

**FIONA**: Aye. Ah wuz jist oan me way tae th' local stair tae buy meself some cheesy puifs when A noticed quite an inexpensife football, foorty per cent aff th' price. Oan me way haem, A mit ye lads ain Cartman said if A didn't lit ye play, ye woods cut aff me pigtails ain feed 'em tae th' goats.

**STAN**: _[after a pause] _Well, that still seems like a lame excuse.

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**KYLE**: So, what do we do now?

**KENNY**: (We could watch a porn movie.)

**KYLE**: Ugh! Sick, dude!

**KENNY**: _[shrugs]_(Just suggesting...)

**FIONA**: A dorn't ken, lads, A wanted tae keep playin'!

**CARTMAN**: _[rolls his eyes]_Oh, you see? There goes the neighbourhood! She moved in just a month ago and she already wants to tell us what to do! A Mary Sue, that's what I call it!

_[Fiona glares at Eric]_

**STAN**: What's so exciting about this game, anyway? All you do is kick the ball around. _[kicks the ball and shrugs]_

**KYLE**: _[nods]_Yeah, I just don't get soccer.

**FIONA**: Ye dun't geit it cause ye're a bloody American! An' fer yer information, it's called football!

**CARTMAN**: Nuh-uh, fewtball's the game when you run holding this egg-shaped ball…

**FIONA**: _[points her index finger at Cartman] _Nae, that's how ye daft Americans renamed rugbae! Whit's th' point o' callin' a game whaur ye use hands aw th' time "football"? Ah mean, whit is th' bleedin' point? An' thare's anither thin'! Ye suck at sports sae much 'at ye invent yer own disciplines sae 'at ye're guid at somethin'. An' ye're only guid at them coz naebody else gits th' rules, loch in baseball!

**CARTMAN**: So what? At least we don't throw logs, like you do!

**KENNY**: _[suggestively] _(My log needs attention if you're interested, Fiona.)

**KYLE**: Dude, sick!

**KENNY**: _[rolls his eyes] _(Oh, come on, Kyle, it was funny!)

**KYLE**: No, it wasn't, it was completely disgusting and I don't want to hear any word of it!

**KENNY**: _[sighs] _(Yes, mom…)

**CARTMAN**: _[chuckles] _You said it, Kinny…

**STAN**: Well, putting logs and moms aside, Cartman's right. We invent our own sports, so do you, so there's no difference!

**FIONA**: _[afraid she'll lose the argument] _Well, at leest Ah dorn't eat penguins!

**KYLE**: _[after a pause, frowning] _Penguins? Fiona, what the hell are you talking about?!

_[Kenny notices something on the street and turns around. The rest do the same after a second. We now see Butters running down the road in a hurry. The boys approach him slowly]_

**BUTTERS**: _[panting heavily] _Oh boy… Oh, gee…

**KENNY**: (Butters? What the fuck are you doing?)

**BUTTERS**: Uh, haven't you fellas heard? I heard from Brad Dixon that Terrance and Phillip's new episode would air today instead of tomorrow for some reason!

**CARTMAN**: Oh, crap! Now?

**BUTTERS**: Well, uh, sure, I'm just goin' to watch it while my parents aren't home. If they saw me, I'd get grounded! It starts at quarter to three!

**STAN**: But that's just five minutes from now! Come on, let's watch it at my house!

_[The boys enter Stan's house, but Cartman blocks Fiona's way]_

**CARTMAN**: Uh-uh-uh-uh!

**FIONA**: Whit 're ye daein'?

**CARTMAN**: No, the question is what the fuck you think you're doing! You can't hang around with us after what happened yesterday!

**FIONA**: But it wuz Stan's wallet, nae yers!

**CARTMAN**: Anyway, we don't trust you, get it? You can't just come to South Park and pretend you're our friend, get it, you ginger slut? Now get your sorry Mary Sue ass out of hyah!

**FIONA**: Wait a tic… _[shouts inside] _Kyle, can A come in?!

**KYLE**: _[not paying attention to her] _Come on, fatass, we've got Terrance and Phillip to watch!

**CARTMAN**: Right on it, Jew! _[to Fiona] _Well, Feehna, it seems you can't after all. See ya. _[slams the door right in front of her her]_

**FIONA**: _[flinches] _Dorn't shut th' door when Aa'm talkin' tae ya!

* * *

_[The living room. Stan, Butters and Kyle are sitting on the couch and Kenny is lying on the floor]_

**CARTMAN**: Well, so much for the Mary Sue… _[sits down next to the poor boy]_

**STAN**: Okay, hit it, Kenny.

_[Kenny picks up the remote control and tries to turn the TV on. When there's no response, he tries again and again. He frowns, pushing the button repeatedly]_

**KENNY**: (It's not working.)

**KYLE**: What? It has to be!

**KENNY**: (Well, it's not.) _[stands up and approaches the TV set]_

**CARTMAN**: Oh, goddamnit, what the hell is going on with your house, Stan?!

**STAN**: Don't make it sound as if it was my fault, Cartman!

**KENNY**: _[behind the set] _(Hey, you guys, look!)

_[The other boys come closer and see that at the back the TV set is open and almost completely empty, except for a few screws and cables]_

**BUTTERS**: Aw, uh, it's all empty!

**CARTMAN**: _[frowns at him] _Yes, that must seem familiar, doesn't it? Take your head, for example…

**KYLE**: _[agitated] _This is no time for your stupid jokes, fatass, this is serious! We can't miss that episode! The question now is who did it!

**STAN**: _[pinches the bridge of his nose] _Oh, my God… I think I know…

**RANDY'S VOICE**: _[coming from upstairs] _STAAAN! Staaaaaaaan!

**STAN**: _[keeping the bridge of his nose pinched] _…I know that voice…

**RANDY**: _[coming down the stairs only in his underwear, dirty and sweaty] _Staaaaan! Have you seen my screwdriver, Stan?

**STAN**: _[frowning at his father] _Dad, what the hell have you done to our TV?!

**RANDY**: In "How It's Done" they showed how to make a radio and it had just the parts! Look and admire what your father made you!

_[He shows them a loose bunch of screws and metal parts which resemble modern art more than a radio]_

**STAN**: _[annoyed to the limits] _Dad, nobody sane would want to make a radio out of a TV! Now, put it back again!

**RANDY**: _[unsure] _Uh… I'm afraid I can't do it yet.

**STAN**: What?

**RANDY**: Well, they are going to show how to make TV's next week. I don't know how to do it yet.

**BUTTERS**: Uh, well, b-but you'd need a TV to watch it, wouldn't you?

**RANDY**: _[After a pause, suddenly realizing] _…Good point.

**CARTMAN**: Oh, goddamnit, see what your stupid dad has done?!

**KYLE**: _[panicking] _I agree with fatass! This is a crisis, where are we going to watch Terrance and Phillip?

**KENNY**: (What are we gonna do?)

**STAN**: Okay, let's all calm down! Now let's see… what would Brian Boitano do?

**CARTMAN**: Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?

_[Beat. The kids look around, Randy walks upstairs again. Nobody appears]_

**KYLE**: Whose house is the closest to yours, Stan?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, I think it's Kenny's.

**KENNY**: (What?)

**CARTMAN**: This is bull-crap! We can't go to Kinney's house, they don't have color TV!

**KENNY**: (Hey, fuck you, Eric!)

**STAN**: All right, all right! It'll have to be Butters's, then.

**BUTTERS**: But fellas! If we watch Terrance and Phillip at my house, my parents are gonna ground me!

**KYLE**: _[opening the front door] _All right, you guys, we have to be quick while the commercials are still on.

**BUTTERS**: B-but fellas!

**CARTMAN**: _[snaps angrily] _Shut up, Butters!

* * *

_[The boys leave the Marsh residence and turn left when they reach the street. As they walk, they see Fiona sitting on a fence belonging to a neighbor of Stan's]_

**FIONA**: Enjoyed th' episode, lads?

**KYLE**: _[frowns] _Shut up, Fiona, we didn't get to watch it.

**FIONA**: Why's 'at?

**STAN**: My stupid dad dismantled the TV. We're going to watch it at Butters's house. You can tag along, if you want.

**BUTTERS**: Uh, but Stan, I'll get grounded if I bring a lady home without letting my parents know!

**CARTMAN**: You're such a pussy, Butters! If mah meehm tried to forbid me that, I'd be like, "Ay! Why don't you go to the kitchen… and let me and this chick… make love by the fire in your fucking bedroom!"

**BUTTERS**: But Eric, your mom's bedroom doesn't have a fire!

**CARTMAN**: That's not the point, Butters!

**FIONA**: Buit… lads, ye can watch it reit here, if ye want. _[points at the house behind her]_

**KYLE**: _[annoyed] _Fiona, how many times do I have to tell you, it's morally wrong to enter someone else's home without permission! You can even get shot for this here!

**FIONA**: But it's nae someain else's, A live 'ere!

**KYLE**: What?

**STAN**: Wait, wait, wait. So you were my neighbor this whole time and you never told me?

**FIONA**: _[shrugs] _Ye ne'er asked.

* * *

_**I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter. I actually never watched **__**"How It's Done", I should do some research next time I make a reference. Writing out the whole opening was a daft idea, I know… I hope I haven't made a lot of grammar errors, my beta has been away for a while. Oh, and thanks for your advice, John. Though I'm still not sure whether to split it into two parts or not.**_

_**As they say, read, review and rot. Erm, scratch the last bit. Next week, next chapter.**_

**_Wensleydale_**


	2. Eric Cartman Is Seriously

_**And now for the second part. Goin' down to Second Part, gonna have myself a time…**_

* * *

_[Fiona leads the boys into her living room. Inside, we can see numerous elements of Victorian interior decoration: an ancient, purple-brown sofa, a large pendulum clock, a black bowler hat and an umbrella hung on a wooden coat stand. Needless to say, it looks like a stereotypical English City gentleman's household. As the children come in, the camera moves a bit to the left, so that we see the owner of the said hat and umbrella, sitting on the armchair next to the sofa. It is a man of 42, with average, maybe a bit small and thin, body shape. He has short, neatly combed blond hair and moustache, thick, bushy black eyebrows, forming a slight, but constant frown and some wrinkles appearing on the forehead. He is wearing a white shirt, a dark green suit and a monocle on his left eye. He also possesses a pocket watch, now hidden except for the small chain attached to his shirt. He appears not to have noticed the children come in. He continues to stare at the fairly normally looking TV set]_

**FIONA**: 'Ello, dad! Can we watch th' telly?

**FIONA'S DAD**: _[With a fairly high, nasal, condescending voice, often wiggling his moustache when talking. He uses an upper-middle-class Southeast English accent] _Another car strike, would you believe it? These people simply can't decide what they want. Hmph, this is so typical. Now they're asking for money and this time next year they will be asking for some other sodding thing, that's their whole point in life. Hmph! That's not life, it's called socialism…

**KYLE**: _[raises an eyebrow]_ Wait, that's not right! We have democracy in America.

**FIONA'S DAD**: _[interrupts him angrily] _"America!" _[he spits, as if disgusted when the name was mentioned]_ I spit on your America! It is we, the British, who created your culture! All you did was turn it into a barbarian country of prancing simpletons!

**FIONA**: Aye, aye, that's aw very well, dad, but we jist wanted tae use th' telly.

**FIONA'S DAD**: Oh, I see, I get the picture! And who are you to use our telly?!

**FIONA**: Aa'm yer dochter, Fiona, dorn't ye recognise me?

**FIONA'S DAD**: No, not you, I meant these chaps! _[points at the boys]_

**FIONA**: Och, reit. These ur Kyle, Butters, Stan, Kenny an' fatarse.

**CARTMAN**: _[glares quickly] _Ay, don't call me fat!

**FIONA'S DAD**: _[somewhat sympathetic, but still retaining his pompous attitude] _That's right, Fiona, refrain from calling this poor chap fat. It's not his fault that he lives in a country which promotes obesity… Americans… _[He spits. Fiona spits as well, Kyle frowns at her]_

**CARTMAN**: _[enthusiastically] _Hey, yeah, I'm not fat! It's just an effect of my country promoting obesitah!

**KYLE**: No, you're just fat.

**CARTMAN**: Ay!

**STAN**: Yeah, Cartman, it's your own fault you're fat. Don't try to put the blame on all Americans!

**FIONA'S DAD**: Americans! _[Spits. His saliva lands on Butters's eye]_

**BUTTERS**: _[startled] _Waaah! _[rubs his eye in confusion] _Awh, it's all gooey…

**FIONA**: _[to her father] _Sae, can we watch it ur nae?

**FIONA'S DAD**: Oh, for God's sake, Fiona, I have been drilling people's teeth all morning, don't you think your father deserves a little rest? After all, we're in… in… _[hesitates]_

**KENNY**: (America?)

**FIONA'S DAD**: That's right, jolly good chap! _[spits]_

**FIONA**: Aw, but dad!

**FIONA'S DAD**: No excuses, just go up to your room!

**FIONA**: It's a bungalow, dad.

**FIONA'S DAD**: _[looks around and cleans his monocle] _Oh, yes, so it is.

**STAN**: What about us?

**FIONA**: It's okay, lads. Ye can come tae me ruim if ye loch.

**KENNY**: (Woo-hoo!)

**BUTTERS**: Aw, gee, that would be swell!

**STAN**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Would it?

**FIONA'S DAD**: _[sighing] _Oh, all right… Just make sure they're out before dinner. I won't have your classmates scavenging in my dining room. After all, where would it all end? I'll knock you up at about six.

**CARTMAN**: _[to himself, under his breath, while others are still talking] _"Knock you up?" What the hell is that supposed to mean?

_[A creepy music starts playing while we see a close-up of Cartman's unusually serious face collecting fthoughts. Then we can see through his eyes. First, he notices a framed photo of a younger Fiona and her father embracing each other, then some similar ones. The music reaches its climax when we see Eric's horrified face again. It suddenly stops when we see Butters behind Cartman]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, are you coming, Eric?

**CARTMAN**: _[still with a shocked expression on his face] _…Yeah, coming!

_[The music continues in an overly dramatic fashion]_

* * *

_[We can see a scene from a "Terrance and Phillip" episode. The two main characters are in a Yukon scenery wearing furry hats]_

**PHILLIP**: Say, Terrance, it seems we're near the Yukon river!

**TERRANCE**: My God, Phillip, you're right! Look at how much snow there is aboot! We should play snowball farts!

**PHILLIP**: How do you play snowball farts, Terrance?

**TERRANCE**: Well, I'll tell you, listen!

_[There is a moment of silence. Terrance jumps and farts on Phillip's face and they both burst into laughter. We then cut back to Fiona's room. The children are sitting on Fiona's bed with the exception of Kyle, Kenny and Butters, who are lying on the floor. The room is a regular one not counting a tartan carpet and bed sheet and golf clubs against the wall. The boys laugh while Fiona looks at them in confusion]_

**FIONA**: Eh? Ah dorn't geit it.

**CARTMAN**: Well, Feehna, that's probably because you're a chick.

**TV ANNOUNCER**: _[accompanied by T&P's theme music] _And that concludes this week's installment of Terrance and Phillip. Stay tuned for the next week's episode!

**KYLE**: _[turns off the TV] _Whew, that was a great episode.

**BUTTERS**: Yeah, uh, when I saw Phillip fart on Scott's face, I thought, gee whiz, I was gonna die!

_[Fiona raises an eyebrow and sighs]_

**KYLE**: Hey, doesn't it seem like ages since we had a snowball fight like Terrance and Phillip?

**STAN**: Yeah, we get so much snow around here I forgot how much fun it was.

**KENNY**: (Unless of course you're soaking wet and you don't have heating at home…)

**KYLE**: _[ignoring him completely] _We should totally do it sometime soon. Hey, Fiona, since you and Stan are neighbors, could we make a battlefield at your place?

**FIONA**: Uh…

**KYLE**: Good, that's settled, then.

**BUTTERS**: But fellas, we won't have to fart snowballs, will we? That would be awful wet…

**STAN**: I don't think it's very likely, Butters.

**KYLE**: Dude, Fione, I still can't believe you'd have a TV in your room.

**FIONA**: Aye, uh, Ah borrowed it frae Clyde.

**STAN**: "Borrowed it"?

**FIONA**: _[trying to change the subject] _Aye, lads, whit woods ye loch tae drink? Whisky?

_[Kenny raises his hand but Kyle slaps it down]_

**KYLE**: Goddamnit, Fiona, we can't drink whisky, we're nine!

**FIONA**: Oh, I see. Back in Iverness if you couldn't drink whisky, then it meant you weren't a true Scotsman.

**KYLE**: We can live with not being true Scotsmen. Now go and bring us an orange juice… or something.

**FIONA**: Aye, anythin' else?

**STAN**: Yeah, could you tell me where the restroom is?

**FIONA**: A'll show ya. Jist dorn't pinch anythin'!

**STAN**: _[glares at her]_ Right, cause I'm the one who steals everything I see round here.

_[They leave. Kenny punches Kyle on the arm angrily]_

**KYLE**: Ow! What the hell was that for, Kenny?

**KENNY**: (Dude, just speak for yourself! Maybe I wanted a drink!)

_[Butters sits down on the bed and nudges Cartman in the arm]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, are you all right, Eric? You've been awful quiet…

_[Cartman looks troubled. He looks at the door, listens for a while, stands up and slowly closes the door]_

**KENNY**: (Eric?)

**CARTMAN**: Is the coast clear? _[with a serious face]_

**BUTTERS**: Gee, what are you talkin'…

**CARTMAN**: _[interrupts him suddenly, grabbing his shirt and throttling him] _Is the coast CLEAH?!

**KENNY**: (Eric, what the fuck are you on about?)

**CARTMAN**: Kinney, shut those windows! Butters, you check under the bed for hidden microphones!

**KYLE**: _[rolls his eyes, sensing trouble] _What crazy scheme have you come up with now, fatass?

**CARTMAN**: This isn't the time for our insult routine, Kahl, this is seriousleh! Hurry up with those windows, Kinny!

**KENNY**: (Okay, okay, Jesus…)

**CARTMAN**: Now, gentlemen, gather round! _[the boys do as Eric says] _Now, I believe we don't have much time. If we don't act now, our group, as well as that new chick might be in great danger!

**KYLE**: What are you saying, Cartman?

**CARTMAN**: Well, Kahl… I believe that Feehna's dad might be… a pedofahl.

**KYLE**: _[skeptically] _…What?

**BUTTERS**: Fellas, uh, what's a pedophile?

**KENNY**: (It's when your uncle wants to stick his dick up your ass.)

**KYLE**: Yeah, dude, you remember NAMBLA. _[to Cartman] _But what the hell gave you the idea?

**CARTMAN**: Buh! _[rolls his eyes] _Isn't that obvious, Kahl? I had my suspicions ever since she moved in. As you all know, Feehna is a Mary Sue…

**KYLE**: _[interrupts him] _Oh, God! Are you still on about that, fata-

**CARTMAN**: _[raises his hand] _Now, Kahl! I'm not finished! As you may know, Feehna is a Sue, so she's bound to have a tragic, clichéd past that she thinks is what makes her special. That tragic past is often linked with sexual abuse, usually coming from parents. What do you think?

**KYLE**: What do I think of it? _[annoyed] _Cartman, of all the idiocies you ever came up with, this one exceeds… at least five!

**CARTMAN**: Oh yeah? Well, you're a fuckin' Jew, Kahl! Why is it so unbelievable for you?

**KENNY**: (Dude, you don't have any proof.)

**BUTTERS**: _[mumbles to himself] _M-my uncle's a pedophile?

**EVERYONE**: Shut up, Butters!

**CARTMAN**: I do have proof, Kinny! What about those pictures downstairs? What about his moustache?

**KENNY**: (What about it?)

**CARTMAN**: Oh, please, Kinny, everyone knows that a moustache is the first sign of a pedofahl!

**KYLE**: _[irritated with Cartman's logic] _Cartman, my dad has a moustache! Stan's dad has one too!

**KENNY**: (Yeah, and mine!)

**CARTMAN**: _[laughs with glee] _Ha-ha-hah! It seems only my dad isn't a pedofahl!

**KYLE**: Cartman, you don't even have a dad!

**CARTMAN**: Oh, yeah.

* * *

_[The scene moves downstairs. We see Fiona in the kitchen, pouring beverages into five little glasses, three already filled. She grabs a carton of orange juice, fills about a quarter of the glass, puts the carton away and fills the rest with tap water. She then repeats the same routine with the last glass, this time with coke. Then she opens the cupboard and grabs a large mug with "Fiona" written on it. She fills it all with orange juice, drinks it all in one go and pours herself another mug. Meanwhile, we see Stan sitting on the armchair next to Fiona's father]_

**FIONA'S DAD**: And I mean, it's always the same wherever I go in this bloody country! The British are always portrayed stereotypically! We always need to have crooked teeth, we always speak with an upper-class accent and of course we have to use "jolly good", "old chap" and "I say" in every single sentence. Bloody typical, wouldn't you agree, old chap?

**STAN**: _[confused] _I-I just asked where the toilet is… _[He looks at his teeth to check if they are crooked. They are]_

**FIONA'S DAD**: I say, Fiona? Be a dear and make me a nice cup of tea, will you? It's past five…

**FIONA**: Aw reit, dad, jist a minute.

**FIONA'S DAD**: Jolly good show. Now, where was I? Oh, right, stereotypes…

_[Cartman, Butters, Kenny and Kyle come down. Butters rubs his hands together nervously]_

**FIONA**: Ye're gonnae awreddy, lads? _[puts the tray down]_

**KYLE**: Yeah, Cartman thinks your dad's a…

**CARTMAN**: _[covers Kyle's mouth with his hands] _Shh, Kahl, don't shout it out loud! We must plan this carefullah!

**FIONA**: Plan whit?

**KYLE**: _[slaps Eric's hand away] _Fuck you, fatass! _[Walks out]_

**STAN**: _[joins the group] _We're leaving?

**BUTTERS**: _[worried] _Uh, Stan, is your butt okay?

**STAN**: _[raises an eyebrow] _What?

**FIONA'S DAD**: Well, it was quite nice seeing you here, chaps…

**BUTTERS**: Aaaagh! _[Closes his eyes in panic and hides behind Stan] _Don't, uh, t-touch me with your f-filthy hands, you, uh, pervert!

**FIONA'S DAD**: _[frowns] _Eh?

**CARTMAN**: _[glares right back at the Englishman] _That's right, Butters, you tell him! You, sir, are disgusting! What you're doing to your daughter is disgusting, even if she is just a Mary Sue! Come on, you guys, we aren't gonna stay here a moment longer!

_[Cartman runs out with Butters. Kenny follows his slowly, sighing. Stan also walks out with a confused expression on his face. Fiona and her dad stare at the open door in silence]_

**FIONA**: Whit wuz 'at aw abit?

**FIONA'S DAD**: _[unfazed]_ Oh, don't you mind them, they're just being Americans.

_[He walks a few steps into the living room. Fiona's eyes follow him in confusion. He then comes back to the door, opens it again and spits]_

* * *

_**Yes, Fiona's dad's a Basil Fawlty expy. Also, the spitting thing came from Madame Fanny from 'Allo 'Allo. And the fact that he's a dentist, it's based on Ben Harper from My Family. He's also got some of my traits, but that doesn't make him a self-insert, does it?**_

_**Does it?**_

_**Well, say something!**_

**_Wensleydale_**

_**PS: But really, tell me how he turned out.**_

_**PPS: Don't bother asking why he's English and Fiona's Scottish… It's going to be explained later.**_


	3. Marvin Marsh Is Watching Himself

_**Thank you guys for all your reviews, I'm happy someone is still interested in my work.**_

_**Whoa, I can't believe I'm introducing a whole new subplot in the third act. So late… Now I really can't split the fic into two parts… Meh…**_

* * *

_[The classroom, next day. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave are standing in front of the kids]_

**GARRISON**: Okay, children, let's take our seats… Now, I'm sorry it's at such short notice, but I'll be going away for today. I'll be visiting my family in Arkansas, so my assistant, Mr. Slave, is going to take over.

**CARTMAN**: Oh, you're going away? Sweet!

**GARRISON**: _[frowns] _Be quiet, Eric! Now, I want you to be especially polite today, since Mr. Slave doesn't have a lot of experience with little rascals such as yourselves!

**SLAVE**: _[looks down] _Uh… Jethuth Chritht…

**GARRISON**: Anyway, Mr. Slave, should anything happen, just give me a call. And don't bother sending Craig to Mackey's office, this finger thing I told you about is just a reflex action.

_[Garrison walks out of the classroom, leaving the students and Slave in silence. They look on one another awkwardly, Slave somewhat nervously]_

**SLAVE**: Oh, Jethuth… Jethuth Chritht… What should I do…

**CARTMAN**: _[Rolls his eyes and whispers to Stan and Kenny]_ Oh, sweet, you guys, another substitute teacher who doesn't know what to do…

**SLAVE**: Well… I thuppothe we could do thome math problemth?

**STAN**: Math problemth?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, I think he meant math problems, fellas.

**STAN**: I know what he said, Butters! It's just that… We haven't had any math problems in, like, four months.

**SLAVE**: Four monthth? Jethuth Chritht, then what have you been learning all thith time?

_[The children look at one another, their eyebrows raised, as if it was something usual]_

**BEBE**: How Christopher Columbus discovered France…

**CLYDE**: How "Fawlty Towers" was better than "A Fish Called Wanda".

**BUTTERS**: A-and why Benjamin Franklin shot pope John Paul the second!

**SLAVE**: _[shocked] _What? Thith ithn't what you're thuppothed to be learning, Jethuth Critht!

**WENDY**: Mr. Garrison told us many times he doesn't really give a damn about the school curriculum.

**SLAVE**: Well, that doeth it! I'm gonna teach you kidth thomething utheful even if it killth me!

**STAN**: Wow, this could be a fun change.

_[Nods and sounds of approval from all the students. Mr. Slave smiles]_

* * *

_[The school corridor. We see Cartman showing up out of nowhere and nudging Butters on the arm]_

**BUTTERS**: Gee, Eric, what's the matter?

**CARTMAN**: Butters, tell Timmy and Kevin to meet me in my basement after skewl, you got that? And you come, too!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yes, sir!

**CARTMAN**: Kewl. I'll tell Clyde.

_[Meanwhile, nearby Stan is standing next to Kyle by the lockers]_

**STAN**: Dude, it seems Cartman is scheming something. Are you sure you're okay with that?

**KYLE**: _[frowning] _No, but I need a break. For the first time in my life, I'm doing something completely independent from fatass and I'm not letting him get in my way!

**STAN**: _[confused] _Doing something, what's that?

**KYLE**: The snowball fight, don't you remember?! Christ, if Cartman wants everybody to think he's psychic, everybody remembers, but if I want to make a decent snow-

**STAN**: Okay, okay, calm down, dude!

**KYLE**: We can do it at your house today, right?

**STAN**: Yeah, there's no problem. But what about Cartman?

**KYLE**: Oh, give over, Stan. He can't destroy the world over one afternoon. What's the worst thing that can happen?

* * *

_[Late afternoon, Cartmans' basement. Eric is sitting in his chair at the end of the desk, on which there are lying some pieces of paper and a city map]_

**CARTMAN**: Okay, gentlemen, thank you all for coming at such short notice. We don't have much tahm and soon, every child in South Park might be in danger of being raped if we don't act quickly.

_[We see Cartman's audience consisting of Butters, Clyde, Kevin Stoley, Timmy and Clyde Frog, Eric's stuffed toy]_

**CLYDE**: _[frowns] _What are we doing here?

**CARTMAN**: Ah, good question, Clyde Two.

**CLYDE**: "Clyde Two?"

**CARTMAN**: Yes. As we have two Clydes here, I decided to call my faithful friend Clyde Frog Clyde One and you Clyde Two, just to avoid confusion.

**CLYDE**: You consider a stuffed toy more important than me?

**CARTMAN**: _[rolls his eyes] _Yes, Clyde, in fact I do! See, this is exactly the reason you're Clyde Two, you never know when to shut up! Now be quiet, Clyde!

**BUTTERS**: _[raises his hand] _Uh, Eric, was that last remark supposed to refer to Clyde One or Two?

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, Butters! …Now, we gathered hyah to do something about a grave danger that is approaching South Park.

**TIMMY**: Timmeh!

**CARTMAN**: I was just about to say it, Timmy. We're talking about no-one other than Feehna's dad. I found out his name is Walter Darling. "Darling"… Even that name smells of a pedophahl…

**KEVIN**: A pedophile? _[He raises his eyebrow while Clyde opens his mouth] _Why do you think he's a pedophile?

**CARTMAN**: Why? What do you mean, why? _[Pinches the bridge of his nose] _Kevin, goddamnit, I swear it, I never expected Timmy of all people to contribute the most to the discussion!

**TIMMY**: _[happily] _Timmah!

**BUTTERS**: _[to Kevin] _Uh, Eric saw some pictures of Mr. D-darling molestin' his d-daughter, Kevin!

**KEVIN**: _[skeptically, to Cartman] _What's your proof, then? You have 'em with you?

**CARTMAN**: I don't need proof!

**CLYDE**: Uh… You kind of do, if you want to lock them away, or something, you'll need to show the pictures to the cops.

**CARTMAN**: Hey… That's not a bad idea after all! Keep it up, Clyde, and you might get promoted to Clyde One-And-A-Half! Or even Clyde Three-Quarters!

**CLYDE**: _[happily] _Kickass!

_[Kevin frowns at him]_

* * *

_[Stan's front yard, afternoon. Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Fiona are making snowballs]_

**STAN**: Okay, I think that's about enough. Now, do we fight?

**KYLE**: No, dude, now we have to choose sides! Haven't you ever fought snowballs before?

**STAN**: Can't we just go ahead and fight?

**KYLE**: No, dude, trust me. It'll be way more fun this way.

**STAN**: So how is it gonna be? I'll be with you and Kenny with Fiona?

**KENNY**: (Dude, no! Girls suck at fighting!)

**FIONA**: Eh?

**KYLE**: It's the only way, Kenny.

**KENNY**: (Well, it's easy for you to say. How about you'll be with Fiona and me with Stan?)

**KYLE**: Then we don't stand a chance! I'm not that good at fighting myself! I'm the smart guy!

**STAN**: Guys… Aren't you making a big deal out of it? I mean, do you really care who's with who?

**KENNY AND KYLE**: Yeah!

**FIONA**: Lads, Aa'm still nae sure if we can use me yard.

**KYLE**: _[after a moment of silence] _…What's that got to do with anything?

**FIONA**: _[shrugs]_ Aa'm jist sayin'.

**KYLE**: Nobody's changing sides, okay? It'll just complicate things!

_[Suddenly, Kyle's mum approaches the children in her car and honks twice]_

**SHEILA**: Kyle, bubbe! If you're playing, take your little brother with you!

**IKE**: _[comes out of the car]_ Fireman!

**KYLE**: No, no, no, we're not doing that!

**STAN**: _[interrupting] _That's what I always say-

**KYLE**: Mom, there's no way Ike is going to play with us-

**SHEILA**: Do as I say, Kyle!

**KYLE**: _[intimidated] _O-okay, okay!

_[Sheila drives off]_

**KENNY**: _[sarcastically] _(Great job, Kyle. How assertive.)

**KYLE**: Shut up!

**FIONA**: Aw reit, lads, calm doon. Sae noo aw we hae tae dae is put Ike in me team an' we're in th' clear!

**KENNY**: (Hang on! How well can Ike fight?)

**STAN**: _[rolls his eyes] _Oh, for God's sake… Can we start already?

**KYLE**: Are you kidding me, Kenny? He's more fit to be ammunition!

_[Suddenly, Randy come out of the Marsh residence]_

**RANDY**: Hello, boys… What are you doing?

**STAN**: Snowball fighting, apparently…

**RANDY**: _[amused] _Yeah, so I see from your wet clothes. You must be so tired by now…

**KYLE**: _[whispers to Stan] _Dude, has your dad always been so sarcastic?

**STAN**: _[whispers back] _I don't know, dude, he's been like this recently. I hope he won't turn it into his next obsession.

**RANDY**: Stan, your mom would rather you played with an adult watching and I'm going to work. Can't your little friends come back later?

**KYLE**: _[irritated] _Later? We haven't even started the goddamned thing!

**STAN**: What about mom?

**RANDY**: She's cooking dinner.

**STAN**: Shelly?

**RANDY**: She's not an adult, Stanley.

**STAN**: Uncle Jimbo?

**RANDY**: He doesn't even live here.

**STAN**: …Grampa?

**RANDY**: If grampa's watching you, then who will watch grampa?

**STAN**: …Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me he's watching himself right now? That doesn't make any sense!

**RANDY**: …Don't be cheeky!

**FIONA**: Wait a tic! Cooldnae me dad watch us? We live next duir, ye know.

**RANDY**: That's a good idea. I'll ask him right away!

_[Randy follows Fiona and the boys to her house. He knocks three times and Fiona's dad opens. Both seem astonished. Their mouths start forming a little "o" and they point their index fingers at each other]_

**RANDY**: You!

**WALTER**: _[surprised] _Randy Marsh, well I never… _[angrily] _You're not coming here! Fiona, call the nearest constable!

**FIONA**: Eh?

**RANDY**: Oh, yeah? And what will the charges be? Betrayal of friendship? Seems familiar? Hm?

**STAN**: _[confused] _Wait, dad, what the hell are you talking about?

**WALTER**: _[frowning]_ I thought you moved away after what happened last time. Have you got no shame, Marsh?!

**RANDY**: I thought you would never come back here, Darling.

**WALTER**: _[furious] _Don't call me "Darling"!

**RANDY**: Why did you come back?

**WALTER**: Medicinal purposes. And I can't see why that is any of your business! Though that is typical of you Americans, _[spits]_ sticking your bloody noses where you're not needed…

**RANDY**: As you say, Darling.

**WALTER**: DON'T CALL ME "DARLING"!

**STAN**: _[whispers to Fiona why the two adults are engaging in a heated argument] _Why is he calling him that? Is my dad gay for yours?

**FIONA**:Nae, it's his real surname. His full name is Walter Darling.

**STAN**: Wasn't it McTeagle, like yours?

**FIONA**: Nae, Mcteagle's me mum's name. Me dad comes frae Englain, sae he's got anither.

**KYLE**: Didn't you say you hated Englishmen for being "bleedin' Sassenachs" or something?

**FIONA**:Aye, 'at's reit.

**KYLE**: So… do you hate your dad?

**FIONA**: Hate me dad? Why wood Ah dae 'at?

**KYLE**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Cause… _[unsure] _…He's a bleeding Sassenach?

**FIONA**: _[glares at Kyle and points her finger at him threateningly] _Dorn't ye dare talk abit me dad loch 'at!

_[Kyle opens his mouth in confusion with Fiona's illogical behavior. He finally sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose]_

**WALTER**: Oh, this is so typical! First you betray my trust and then you come crawling for help! How typically American! _[spits]_

**STAN**: Yeah, actually my dad wanted to ask you something, Mr. …Darling. Didn't you, dad?

**RANDY**: _[sulks] _No!

**KYLE**: We're having a snowball fight and we need someone to watch us. Could you do it?

**WALTER**: God, can't Marsh even look after his children properly? All right, I'll do it. Just let me get my hat and coat.

**RANDY**: Wait, what do you mean, I can't do it? I could watch them anytime! I just need to make sure my son won't whoop your little Mary Sue's sorry ass!

**FIONA**: _[irritated] _Aa'm nae a Sue!

**WALTER**: Oh, really? Well I'm still wondering how your pathetic everyman son would be able to do it! With your help, perhaps. You Marshes never knew how to play fair.

**RANDY**: Well, that does it! I'm not gonna stand here while you're insulting our family's honor! Stanley, Kyle, call all the friends you can and tell them to come here! We must prepare for war!

**STAN**: …I thought you were going to work.

**WALTER**: Fiona, orange-cloaked boy, Canadian baby, you do the same! And Randy?

**RANDY**: What?

**WALTER**: For your information, it's pronounced "honour"! Come along, you three!

**KYLE**: …And we just wanted to have a little snowball fight…

* * *

_**And this is where it starts getting weirder… You know that the main plot in the original version wasn't supposed to be the snowball fight? It was supposed to be some business about fake and real gold… But I thought Fiona and BK are enough for now when it comes to money-themed episodes… Plus, it would be boring… It's got a good ending, though. I'll put it up later in the deleted scenes.**_

_**R&R**_

_Wensleydale_


	4. Randy Marsh Is Willing To Take The Risk

_**Whoa, I'm really behind schedule, aren't I? Thanks for all your reviews, I'm going to reply soon.**_

_**This chapter has got some of my favourite quotes from this fic. Enjoy.**_

* * *

_[Garrison's home, evening. Slave is sitting on the couch while Garrison is unpacking his suitcase]_

**GARRISON**: Wooh, finally here, I thought this trip would last forever. What about you? How was your day with the class from hell?

**SLAVE**: Oh, Jethuth, they were actually really nithe.

**GARRISON**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Wait, what? No shouting, no Eric Cartman taking a crap on your desk?

**SLAVE**: No, everything wath ath right ath rain. They were all lithtening to me and even thanked me for the leththon! I'm telling you, I have never felt like thith my whole life, Jethuth Critht!

**GARRISON**: Well, I'll be damned, my class acting polite? Something smells fishy here…

* * *

_[The Marsh residence, evening. The living room is full of Stan's peers, including Tweek, Craig, Jason, Bebe, Red, Dogpoo, Gary, Nelly, Esther, Annie, Bradley and many unnamed ones. Stan and Kyle are staring at the crowd, embarrassed. Randy finally appears, dressed in a military uniform]_

**RANDY**: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming. As you may know, the war has started. Darling's forces will soon start building their snow structures and then only God can help us. Many of you are not coming back from this alive, but believe me, I'm willing to take that risk.

**STAN**: _[pinches the bridge of his nose] _Jesus Christ, this is fucking ridiculous…

**RANDY**: Lt. Jimbo Kern and Ned Gerblansky will fill you in on the tactics.

**JIMBO**: _[entering the room from the kitchen, tipsy]_ The… the most important thing is to thin out their numbers, you got that? And don't waste snowballs unless they're coming right for you!

**NED**: Mmm, they're coming right for us, mmm…

**KYLE**: _[while Jimbo and Ned are still talking, he whispers to Stan] _Dude, this is ridiculous. Why is your dad treating this so seriously?

**STAN**: He's my dad, Kyle. Besides, let's just play along with it for a while. If we play our cards right, we won't have to go to school for a couple of days.

**JIMBO**: Now, has anyone got any questions?

**ESTHER**: Yeah. Can I change sides? Heidi's on the other one and I wanted…

**KYLE**: _[outraged] _No, Esther, nobody's changing sides! Think before you say something! If this were a real army, we could execute you for treason!

**ESTHER**: Oh. Okay.

_[Kyle folds his arms. Stan glances at him skeptically]_

**STAN**: Didn't you just say something about taking things too seriously?

* * *

_[Walter and Fiona's front yard. Numerous kids, including Fiona, Kenny, Ike, Jimmy, Token, Heidi, Bluecap, Jenny, Lola, Pip, Dougie, Milly, Bluecap, Francis, Mark Cotswolds, Bill, Fosse, Terrance and others are building snow structures and making ammunition]_

**WALTER**: _[in a British military uniform] _Hurry up with those walls and trenches, chaps! We must be ready any minute now. I say, you, fellow! Come over here!

_[Pip approaches Walter] _

**PIP**: Me, sir?

**WALTER**: _[pleasantly surprised] _Good lord, you're English! What a pleasure to meet a fellow countryman in this barbarian land. _[Spits] _I'm making you my second-in-command.

**PIP**: Oh, what joy, I shall do my best, sir!

**WALTER**: Absolutely spiffic. Now tell the chap in the beaver jumper to take the first watch. _[Pip leaves]_ Kenneth, come over here!

**KENNY**: (What do you want, Mr. Darling?)

**WALTER**: Kenny, take a few chaps out of the trenches and start making snowballs for our soldiers.

**KENNY**: (You mean you'll be using my balls for ammunition?)

**WALTER**: That's right, yes.

**KENNY**: (I'm not really happy over this.)

**WALTER**: Well, Kenny, as they say, this is war. You have to make sacrifices. Dismissed.

_[Kenny walks away, Fiona approaches her dad, worried]_

**FIONA**: Dad, dorn't ye think thes is gonnae a wee bit tay far? Ah mean, we jist wanted tae spent one efternuin playin', nae tae start a war out o' it. Why ur ye daein' thes? Whit kin' ay things did Stan's dad dae tae ye?

**WALTER**: _[clearly distraught] _My dear girl… He did… something unforgivable…

_[Fiona raises an eyebrow]_

* * *

_[The "battle field", night. Both sides consist of three children by the "campfire", lit inside a trash can. On Randy's side we see Kyle, Craig and Annie. They stay in silence until Craig breaks it]_

**CRAIG**: Well, this is fun, isn't it?

**KYLE**: Shut up, Craig.

**CRAIG**: No, I mean it. Why do we need video games and movies when we can freeze to death at Stan's house? I'm sooooo happy I want to puke right now.

**KYLE**: You accepted the invitation, right? So don't go complaining now, you knew what it was going to be like!

**CRAIG**: I thought we were going to throw snowballs, not wait outside forever. _[flips him off]_

**ANNIE**: Um, Kyle, could I go home… for a minute? I wanted to water… my flowers, they're very tender… specimens, you see. And when I don't water… them, they don't listen… to Mozart, and when they don't… listen to Mozart, they go all… dry and wimpy…

_[In the meantime, we see Jimmy walking over to Randy's side behind the kids]_

**KYLE**: Nobody cares about your flowers, Annie! If I'm getting grounded, you are too!

**ANNIE**: _[timidly] _Oh… I'm terribly… sorry, Kyle.

_[Kyle notices Jimmy]_

**KYLE**: Jimmy? Jimmy, what the hell are you doing?

**JIMMY**: I'm g-going over to your side very much. Is it a problem?

**KYLE**: Of course it's a problem! We've established a fucking rule! No switching sides! Go back, Jimmy!

**JIMMY**: W-wow. What a terrific audience. _[Walks back on his crutches with difficulty]_

* * *

_[Randy and Sharon's bedroom. Randy is sitting at his desk, drawing a simplistic battle plan on a piece of paper. Sharon appears in her nightdress behind him.]_

**SHARON**: Randy, what is going on? Why is our house full of kids and what are you doing in our front yard?

**RANDY**: Walter came back, Sharon. He came back to finish what he started.

**SHARON**: …Started what?

**RANDY**: _[dramatically] _He's going to destroy me, Sharon! He's going to destroy meee! _[goes back to planning the battle]_

**SHARON**: _[skeptically] _You could have at least told me he came. I would've gone and said hello…

* * *

_[Fiona's backyard, late at night. Cartman, dressed all in black and with black spray all over his face sneaks over to the window along with similarly dressed Butters, Clyde, Kevin and Timmy. Cartman is holding Clyde frog in the same outfit in his hand]_

**CARTMAN**: _[whispers] _All right, gentlemen, this is it. Butters, you remember the plan?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yes, sir! You, and uh, Kevin are goin' to sneak in and look for the pictures in the living room, me and Clyde… Two… are gonna try to catch Mr. Darlin' in the act with Fiona and uh, Timmy…

**CARTMAN**: …And Clyde Frog…

**BUTTERS**: And, uh, Clyde F-frog are goin' to keep a look out.

**CARTMAN**: Everyone got it?

**TIMMY**: _[quietly] _Timmah…

**CARTMAN**: Then we're going in! _[opens the window]_

_[We cut to the living room. We can barely see the boys coming through the window in the dark. Butters and Clyde go up the stairs, but we follow Eric and Kevin on the ground floor]_

**CARTMAN**: All right, they were hyah somewhere… Christ, it's dark in hyah! _[to Kevin] _D'you have a flashlight?

**KEVIN**: Yeah.

**CARTMAN**: _[rolls his eyes impatiently] _Then why don't you flash it?

_[Kevin shrugs, then reaches down his pocket and turns on his toy light saber. A green light starts glowing around it]_

**CARTMAN**: _[pinches the bridge of his nose]_ Kevin, Goddamnit…

_[We cut to Clyde and Butters upstairs]_

**CLYDE**: All right, we'll split up here. You search all the rooms and I'll keep a look out.

**BUTTERS**: B-but why can't you…

**CLYDE**: Butters, are you a team player or not?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, o-okay. _[Enters the corridor, unsure]_

_[We see Butters sneaking through the corridor, rubbing his hands together nervously and humming a song quietly]_

**BUTTERS**: Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples… Loo, loo, loo.. You've…

_[A door opens right behind Leopold. He flinches. Fiona walks out of the bathroom in her checked pajamas]_

**FIONA**: _[unfazed] _Ah, 'ello, Buitters. _[Turns off the light]_

**BUTTERS**: _[astonished] _Uh, gee, Fiona, aren't you surprised to see me?

**FIONA**: Nae, why? It's sort o' logical. A've been pinchin' stuff frae yer home fer a month.

**BUTTERS**: _[somewhat disturbed, but regains his composure] _N-nah, I'm not stealin', we're, uh, here to rescue you from your dad molestin' you!

**FIONA**: _[flinches] _Eh?

_[Walter comes out of his room and turns on the light]_

**WALTER**: What is the meaning of this? What on earth are you doing making this much noise this time of night? Is it an attack? _[Rubs his eye and puts on his monocle. He looks at Butters and frowns] _…I don't mean to be rude, but what's this little bloody sod doing here again? You're a spy, aren't you?!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, ah, hello. _[smiles nervously and waves]_

**FIONA**: He said ye were molestin' me. Is it true? _[rubs her head] _A've niver noticed…

**CLYDE**: _[hisses] _Butters, run for it!

**BUTTERS**: Aw, hamburgers! _[grabs Fiona's hand and flees, Fiona following him, confused]_

**FIONA**: _[running, to Walter] _A-A'll talk tae ya later.

**WALTER**: _[He is stunned for a few seconds. He opens his mouth, closes it and glares] _…Hang on a second here!

_[We cut to Cartman, Kevin, Clyde and Fiona jumping out of the window and escaping along with Timmy, accompanied by some film chase music. It finally stops when they hide behind the bushes across the street, panting for breath. Kevin keeps waving his light saber, as if to check for invisible enemies. Among all the confusion Fiona ended up on Timmy's wheelchair]_

**TIMMY**: _[excited] _Ooh, Timmeh! _[Fiona jumps off] _

**CARTMAN**: _[notices her] _Awh, seriously, guys? You really had to take her, Clyde?!

**CLYDE**: It wasn't me, Butters met her along the way.

**FIONA**: Ye ken, lads, perhaps A'm nae expert, bu' Ah think burglars ur supposed tae pinch people's stuff, nae people.

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, you Mary Sue! _[looks around]_ Wait a minute, where's Butters?

**CLYDE**: I think he got lost when we were trying to get out.

**CARTMAN**: _[sarcastically] _Oh, sweet, you guys! Just great! We lost Butters and got a Sue instead!

**KEVIN**: We could interrogate her, dude.

**CARTMAN**: Hm… Good point, Kevin. _[turns around and faces Fiona's house again] _Don't worry, Butters, your death will not be in vain! _[looks at Kevin again] _For God's sake, turn that fucking light saber off…

* * *

_[Fiona's house. We see Butters tied to a sofa, wearing a nervous expression on his face]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, please, sir, let me go! If I'm not at home in the mornin', my parents are gonna ground me!

**WALTER**: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, chap. _[We can see him sitting opposite Butters and taking a sip of tea] _You see, your friends happen to have my daughter and I need to know who sent you. So you, my little American… _[spits]_ friend… _[spits] _…are going to tell me everything about it.

**BUTTERS**: But, uh, I don't know anythin'!

**WALTER**: Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now… _[He seems to be stuck. Butters looks confused]_ …now, now, now, now, you can stop acting tough, chap. Believe me, in five-hours time you will spill the beans. I know how to make people feel pain, you see. I'm a dentist.

**BUTTERS**: B-but please, sir, uh, my mom is going to ground me if…

**WALTER:** _[glares] _Mum.

**BUTTERS**: Huh?

**WALTER**: Not "mom". "Mum".

**BUTTERS**: Uh, I don't see the difference!

**WALTER**: You're using the American… _[spits] _…spelling! I think you're doing that deliberately to insult me!

**BUTTERS**: _[confused] _Uh, but sir, how can you tell the difference? I didn't write it, I said it out loud!

**WALTER**: Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now… _[thinks for a second] _…good point. _[Butters sighs in relief] _So, you will tell me now whether it was Randy Marsh who sent you or I will take you to my surgery and show you my new drills…

**BUTTERS**: _[in panic] _Aw, hamburgers! P-please, sir, t-torture is forbidden in Colorado!

**WALTER**: _[disgusted] _Colorado! _[spits]_

* * *

_**You know, Walter is actually really enjoyable to write. I must do some more fics with adults as the mains… I'm not sure about Annie, though. I must write more girls, too…**_

**_Wensleydale_**


	5. Busting My Balls, Kenny

_**And the fifth chapter is up. One of my favourites, actually. Thanks a lot to all of you who decided to stay with me so far even though I haven't reviewed a lot recently. I'll make it up to you guys. For now, enjoy the show.**_

_**Oh, and South Park Aargh has a new philosophy! All of you can submit your OC's whom I won't ever use, but I'll get more reviews instead! Yay! Hooray for Wensleydale, everybody!**_

* * *

_[Next day, the fourth grade classroom. A lot of fourth-graders are missing. Garrison comes in]_

**GARRISON**: Okay, children, let's take our seats… Now today, we're going to learn why Harry Potter's fourth movie should be split into two parts.

_[The kids groan. Garrison glares angrily]_

**GARRISON**: Be quiet, you retards! It's high time you learned something useful! Where's the rest of you, anyway?

_[Clyde raises his hand]_

**CLYDE**: Where's Mr. Slave?

**GARRISON**: _[annoyed] _Mr. Slave was just a substitute, all right? I'm your teacher!

**CLYDE**: But we want Mr. Slave back!

**CHILDREN**:_ [in unison] _Yeah!

**GARRISON**: _[angrily] _Well, Mr. Slave won't be back, Clyde! And you should go and live with it! _[Disappointed groans from the children] _Oh, what is it now? What exactly does he have that I don't?

**WENDY**: Well… He doesn't call us retards, for a start.

**CHILDREN**: _[in unison] _Mr. Slave! Mr. Slave! Mr. Slave! Mr. Slave! Mr. Slave!

**GARRISON**: What is it, some kind of a mutiny?! You can all go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

_[The children quiet down. Garrison opens his eyes notices that the door is open, Principal Victioria standing beside it]_

**VICTORIA**: _[raises an eyebrow] _What did you just say, Mr. Garrison?

**GARRISON**: Principal Victoria, it's the kids! They want to overthrow me!

**VICTORIA**: Mr. Garrison, in our school we do not threaten our students with death and hell! I want you in my office right away! Mr. Slave, please, take over.

_[Mr. Slave comes in, stared at with astonishment by Mr. Garrison]_

**SLAVE**: Children, Jesuth Christ! Settle down! While Mr. Garrison is away, we're gonna do thome history.

**CLYDE**: _[excitedly] _Mr. Slave is back!

_[The children roar with excitement. Garrison opens his mouth with shock]_

* * *

_[Cartman's basement, morning. Kevin is tying Fiona up to a chair with a rope. Cartman is walking around the room in front of her in circles with his hands behind his back]_

**CARTMAN**: Well, Feehna, you might as well come clean. Remember, you're safe hyah with me.

**FIONA**: _[looks around]_ Aye. Th' fact 'at Aa'm tied tae a chair really makes me feel 'at way.

**CARTMAN**: Let's get to the point. Were you molested by your dad or not?

**FIONA**: Hm… _[thinks for a second] _Lend me a ten bob an' Ah micht consider answerin'.

**CARTMAN**: _[to Kevin] _Give her ten bucks, Kev.

**KEVIN**: What? No way!

**CARTMAN**: Do you want the pedofahl to get caught, or are you on his side? Are you, Kevin? Are you?

_[Kevin sighs and puts ten dollars in Fiona's pocket]_

**CARTMAN**: Okay, now tell us the truth!

**FIONA**: Aw reit. Nae, Ah wasnae.

**KEVIN**: _[annoyed] _You weren't? So it was all for nothing?

_[Mrs. Cartman comes into the basement with a smile on her face, as usual. Cartman covers Fiona's mouth to prevent her from screaming for help]_

**LIANE**: Snookums, mommy is going to the store. Do you want some snacks before I go?

**CARTMAN**: Get out of here, meeehm, I'm playin' with Kevin and Feehna!

**LIANE**: Okay, hon. You kids have a lovely time.

_[Fiona tries to catch her attention, but fails. Liane ignores her and walks right out]_

**KEVIN**: So now what do we do?

**FIONA**: Lads… Actually... Ah think Ah micht remember somethin' else. but Eh'd need anither ten bob.

**CARTMAN**: Kevin?

_[Kevin sighs again and puts another ten dollars in Fiona's pocket]_

**FIONA**: One time when Ah was gonnae sleep Ah remember he was actin' strange.

**CARTMAN**: Yes?

**FIONA**: One nicht Ah heard heem come intae mah room...

**CARTMAN**: Yes?

**FIONA**: He sat oan me scratcher... Ah mean me bed…

**CARTMAN**: Yes?

**FIONA**: Ain he said...

**CARTMAN**: _[impatiently] _Yes?

**FIONA**: He said...

**CARTMAN**: YES?!

**FIONA**: "Guid nicht, Fiona." It wuz very unlike him.

**CARTMAN**: THE FUCK IS THIS?! I'm gonna kill you, you Mary Sue!

_[Kevin holds him down with difficulty]_

* * *

_[Principal Victoria's office. Garrison is sitting opposite her, his arms folded]_

**VICTORIA**: Now I want to hear everything, Garrison! Why in God's name were you arguing with your class?!

**GARRISON**: I told you why! It was a mutiny! They wanted to throw me out and put my assistant in charge!

**VICTIORIA**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Did they now?

**GARRISON**: I'm not lying! They think he's a better teacher than I am because he doesn't insult them or shout at them, as if I did!

**VICTORIA**: _[rolls her eyes] _Wow. Where could they possibly get that idea from?

**GARRISON**: I know, right?!

_[Slave comes in] _

**SLAVE**: You wanted to thee me, printhipal Victoria?

**VICTORIA**: Ah, yes, Mr. Slave, come inside. I wanted to say that we are very impressed with your teaching skills and we would like to offer you a permanent post here at South Park Elementary.

**SLAVE**: _[opens his mouth] _Oh, Jesuth Christh, I don't know what to thay, Printhipal Victoria, it's like a dream come true!

**VICTORIA**: Starting from tomorrow, you'll be teaching the fourth grade students while Mr. Garrison will go back to teaching kindergarteners.

**GARRISON**: _[shocked] _What? You're giving this whore my class?! _[points at Slave, who frowns]_

* * *

_[Meanwhile, back in Cartman's basement, Clyde and Timmy have dropped in as well]_

**KEVIN**: Uh, Cartman? Me and Clyde have been looking at those pictures you stole… And there isn't anything that suggests Darling is a child molester. We still don't have any proof.

**CLYDE**: Yeah.

**TIMMY**: Timmeh!

**CARTMAN**: _[laughs in a patronizing way] _Kevin, Kevin, Kevin… Why do you think that matters? Why do you think I told Timmy to come with us? It's time you learnt one of the most common detective sayings: "If there's no evidence, we can create it!"

**TIMMY**: Tim… timmah?

* * *

_[A news report intro, afternoon. A journalist is standing in front of the snowball battlefield while the two teams keep building newer structures out of snow. In the background, Tweek is trying to get to the other side, but Kyle stops him and starts shouting at him]_

**JOURNALIST**: Tom, I'm standing right next to the no man's land between two households on Avenue des los Mexicanos, where two political activists, Randall Marsh and Walter Darling are engaging in snowball warfare! There isn't much fighting going on right now, but it seems their armies consist of children living nearby!

_[Cut to the studio with Tom Pussylicker]_

**TOM**: My god, Chris. What else do we know about the two armies?

**JOURNALIST**: Apparently, the war was declared yesterday, after Walter Darling started slandering the Marsh family. Now, a tall wall of snow and ice stands between the two armies, like a thin white line. We asked both leaders to give us a brief commentary on the events that took place.

_[Cut to Randy being interviewed, drunk along with Jimbo and Ned. __A subtitle saying "Randall Marsh, ph.D." appears__]_

**JOURNALIST**: Mr. Marsh, what do you think about the whole conflict?

**RANDY**: Well, I think that as long as we have enough S'mores, that bitch Darling is going down! Can't he? Huh? I thought this was America! I thought this was America!

_[Cut to the journalist]_

**JOURNALIST**: When we repeated his words to Mr. Darling, he had only this to say:

_[Cut to Fiona's dad]_

**WALTER**: America… _[spits twice]_

_[Cut back to the journalist]_

**JOURNALIST**: From this we might deduce that his movement might be hostile towards our country. We also asked ordinary soldiers if they had anything to add.

_[Cut to Kenny]_

**KENNY**: (We are planning to use my big balls to scare the enemy army away. After my cold, white balls hit them, they'll be quiet, you can rest assured of that. But, uh, we also know that the enemy quartermaster, Bebe Stevens, also specializes in balls, so we're a bit worried.)

_[Cut to Kyle]_

**KYLE**: What I can't stand is that everybody wants to change sides! I mean, you can't do that! It's always the same when we pick teams! There's always "Oh, but Brad's on the other team, can I go there too! That's always the problem with teams! And it might just be the beginning! Doesn't it bother you at all?!

_[Cut to Stan]_

**STAN**: They're calling it a snowball fight, and we haven't thrown a fucking snowball since the beginning!

_[Cut back to the journalist]_

**JOURNALIST**: We also discovered that Mr. Darling's daughter, Fiona has been kidnapped and that he himself is keeping one of the kidnappers, also a fourth grader, hostage.

_[Cut to Butters, a subtitle saying "Futterf Ftoff, kidnapper" appears]_

**JOURNALIST**: What were your motives when you kidnapped Fiona McTeagle?

**BUTTERS**: _[When he opens his mouth we see large braces inside. It seems they prevent him from speaking clearly] _Fafffafafffaffafafffffafphhfhfa!

_[Cut back to the journalist]_

**JOURNALIST**: Mr. Darling had nothing to add. Back to you, Tom.

_[Cut to the studio]_

**TOM**: Wait a minute, Chris, it seems the snowball war has just taken an unexpected turn of events!

_[Cut back to the journalist]_

**JOURNALIST**: Good lord, you're right, Tom! I think I can see a crowd of angry parents trying to retrieve their kids! Now, without any manpower, the war is sure to fall apart… Wait a minute, the leaders have come out. _[close-up on Randy and Walter]_ They seem to be talking with the parents… They're not coming out… Now, the parents started making snowballs. This was indeed unexpected, Tom!

_[Cut to the studio]_

**TOM**: It was indeed, Chris.

* * *

_[The scene moves to the actual battlefield. While the kids are sitting about, bored and exhausted, their parents start taking action. On Randy's side the Broflovskis and the Tuckers among others are taking over the kids]_

**RANDY**: Gerald, you help with the walls and trenches. Sheila, go to Bebe and make more ammunition!

**SHEILA**: Isn't is exciting, Gerald?

**GERALD**: Yeah, I haven't felt like this since I was in high school!

**SHARON**: Randy, what is going on?

**RANDY**: It's the neighbors, Sharon! They're gonna help us defeat Darling!

_[Suddenly, two men in gray coats appear on Randy's way]_

**MAN**: Randy Marsh?

**RANDY**: Yes?

**MAN**: We are from the US Army. We have come to help you end the conflict quickly. May we talk in private?

**RANDY**: O-of course!

* * *

_[The scene cuts to the Marshes' dining room. Underneath the coat, one of the men is revealed to be the four-star general from South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut]_

**GENERAL**: Mr. Marsh, we have become very worried over the Walter Darling situation and we are proud that you decided to protect our country from this British scum.

**RANDY**: Oh, uh… Yeah, it's the least I could do!

**GENERAL**: We want to end this as soon as we can, but if we intervene, the conflict will expand on a global scale. So what we're gonna do is provide you with weapons to end this quickly. Oh, and here's my number. If the British make the first move you let me know as soon as possible!

**RANDY**: Whoa!

* * *

_[Cartman's basement again, late afternoon. This time, Fiona's all on her own. She sees Cartman's mobile phone left on his desk and tries to hop closer with her chair. Finally, she succeeds. She tries to reach it with her hand]_

**FIONA**: Hm... Mebbe if Ah dial th' number wi' me nose... _[suddenly remembers] _Ah, Ah forgot, Ah huvnae got any nose... Damn thes wretched cut-oot paper animation... _[an idea springs out in her mind] _Wi' me teeth!

_[Somehow she manages to call one of Cartman's most recently used numbers]_

**FIONA**: Hello?

_[We cut to Kyle in the Marsh army trenches. He picks up the phone]_

**KYLE**: What do you want, fatass?

**FIONA**: Kyle? Oh, thank God it's ye. Coods ye dae me a favour? Aa'm trapped in haur an' Ah need someain tae get me oot.

**KYLE**: Get you out? Fiona, really? Even you want to change sides? You want to fight against your father?! What the hell is wrong with you people?!

**FIONA**: Nae, nae, it's nae that!

**KYLE**: Look, forget it, okay? I'm not letting you idiots change sides even if it's the last thing I do! _[hangs up]_

**FIONA**: _[to herself] _Whit th' heel went wrang?

* * *

_[Garrison's home, evening. Mr. Slave and Garrison are standing opposite each other in their living room]_

**SLAVE**: I thimply can't believe you called me a whore in front of her, Jesuth Christh!

**GARRISON**: That's what you get for betraying me, Mr. Slave!

**SLAVE**: Betraying you? Aren't you going to be thupportive at all? Your boyfriend'th jutht had a great thuccesth and you're talking about thome betrayal?

**GARRISON**: Great success, but at my expense! Thanks to you, I'm stuck teachin' kindergarteners again! _[turns away from him]_

**SLAVE**: Mr. Garrithon, don't do this to me, Jesuth Christh! It hath been my dream to teach sinthe I dithcovered I wath good with children. Pleathe, don't thpoil it for me now!

**GARRISON**: _[turns back to Slave] _Oh, I know what your problem is, Slave! _[points his index finger at him] _All you think about is yourself, all the time, you, you, you! This is about me!

_[Mr. Slave raises an eyebrow]_

* * *

_[The scene cuts to Stan and Kyle looking at the trucks unloading weapons in Stan's garden]_

**STAN**: That doesn't look very good. Do you think we should do something to stop my dad now?

**KYLE**: I just can't believe it! Even the adults want to change sides now! Mr. and Mrs. Turner just asked me if I knew where their daughter was and when I told them she was on the other side, they wanted to go over there! I mean, doesn't anyone have a sense of duty nowadays?

**STAN**: Dude, it doesn't matter now! What about those weapons?

**KYLE**: Oh, fine, worry about weapons! In the meantime, leave me to make sure there's anyone here left to use them!

**STAN**: Kyle, we don't want anyone to use the weapons, don't you remember? We wanted to have a fucking snowball fight, just the six of us, until my dad and Fiona's dad screwed everything up! Now we need to make it right and you're the one that usually says what needs to be said. I can't do it without you.

**KYLE**: _[looks down] _…You're right, Stan, I don't know what came over me. I guess I wanted my own idea to succeed so badly that I lost control of myself… For once, I just wanted to do something else than being the fucking voice of reason…

**STAN**: _[smiles] _Welcome back, Kyle.

* * *

_**Only two chapters to go, along with deleted scenes. Oh, and you can probably expect Season 8 to end this year, but then there won't be a lot of updates later, probably until June... I hope to write more in advance, then. Stay tuned for the next chapter.  
**_

_**Wensleydale**_

_**PS: I mean it, don't turn your computers off. Seriousleh.  
**_


	6. More Balls

_**All right, thanks for all your reviews. And thank you for your spam, Ryback, it was quite encouraging. It'd be easier if you had an account, though, then I'd be able to reply. Though I probably should be grateful, since I'm running out of ideas what to say in these author notes. Anyway, here goes the penultimate chapter, I hope you'll like it.**_

* * *

**WALTER**: Blast!

_[We see Walter, some of the parents and Kenny looking through the holes in the snow wall at the weapons Randy has been provided with]_

**WALTER**: Machine guns, shotguns, rifles, mines, bazookas… What am I supposed to do now? Kenny's balls may not be enough now.

_[Kenny cannot help but chuckle]_

**STEPHEN**: He… won't shoot it at us, will he, Darling?

**WALTER**: Don't call me Darling!

**MEPHESTO**: We may presume that he will… Unless he finds out we have better weapons.

**STEPHEN**: But we don't. We have only our balls.

_[Kenny laughs out loud]_

**WALTER**: No, no, go on, Doctor. I quite like his idea. What have you got in mind?

**MEPHESTO**: If we were to have better weapons, or at least ones that could rival Randy's, we would be able to scare them away.

**STUART**: Well, I've got some friends in Denver who would gladly sell a couple of guns.

**WALTER**: That might not be enough.

**MEPHESTO**: I believe that if one of your friends provided me with adequate materials, I would be able to use the latest technology to develop… something big. _[smiles]_

**WALTER**: Then you've got my permission. _[returns the smile] _You two do what needs to be done. Meanwhile… Kenny? We'll have only need for half your balls from now on. Use the other half to strengthen the walls.

**KENNY**: (Yes, sir.) _[chuckles and walks away, laughing]_

**WALTER**: That boy's got all the makings of an idiot…

* * *

_[Back in Cartman's basement, Fiona is trying to dial her home number. It's about midnight]_

**FIONA**: …Ain six. _[A moment of silence]_ Hello?

_[We cut to Butters in Fiona's living room. He's also tied up and has turned the speaker on by some miracle]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, hello!

**FIONA**: Who is it?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, I'm B-butterf. Ah, Forry, Butters!

**FIONA**: Ah... Awrite, Butters, Aa'm Fiona.

**BUTTERS**: Yeah, I know. Hello!

**FIONA**: Butters, yer lads ur keepin' me captiff at Cartman's. D'ye think ye coods tell someain tae save me?

**BUTTERS**: Uh.. I… I don't think so.

**FIONA**: Why?

**BUTTERS**: 'Cause, uh, your d-dad is also holdin' me, as you said, captiff. And I've just learned how to talk with those braces on!

**FIONA**: Oh… Guid fer yoo.

**BUTTERS**: Yeah, thanks.

**FIONA**: Sae… How are ya?

**BUTTERS**: I-I'm okay. Your dad gives me food, b-but I'm afraid I'm gonna get grounded when my parents find out I kidnapped you.

**FIONA**: Aye… Cartman also brings me fuid, but he usually eats aw o' it in front ay me.

**BUTTERS**: Right…

**FIONA**: Sae… _[unsure] _Uh, if ye ever feel loch talkin', Aa'm callin' frae Cartman's number...

**BUTTERS**: Yeah… Bye… Have a good t-time being, uh, captiff.

**FIONA**: Oh aye, ye tay. _[hangs up]_

_[We cut to Butters again. He seems stunned]_

**BUTTERS**: …Aw, hamburgers, did I just talk to a g-girl on the phone for the second time in my life?

* * *

_[Next morning, at South Park Elementary]_

**GARRISON**: Oh, now this is just getting fucking silly!

_[The kindergarten classroom. We see Mr. Garrison at his desk, currently in an outrage. Opposite him, there's just Filmore Anderson sitting on his chair]_

**GARRISON**: What's the meaning of this, Filmore, where's the rest of your fucking class?!

**FILMORE**: Sally's mom took her to war.

**GARRISON**: What?

**FILMORE**: Sally's mom wanted to bang.

**GARRISON**: Yeah, yeah, everyone knows that Sally Bands's mother bangs everyone she sees, but why isn't she here?

**FILMORE**: …Cause she's too old.

**GARRISON**: No, not Sally's mom, I mean Sally! And Ike, and Flora and all the others! Why aren't they here?

**FILMORE**: _[after a moment of silence] _…I gotta go pee. _[Tries to get up, but Garrison holds him down]_

**GARRISON**: You will answer my question this instant, Filmore, or I'll smack you in the face!

_[Grits his teeth, intimidating the little kindergartener. Filmore starts crying and urinates all over his trousers. Principal Victoria's voice can be heard from the intercom]_

**VICTORIA**: _[from the intercom, furious] _Mr. Garrison, you will come to my office NOW!

**GARRISON**: Awh, Goddamnit!

* * *

_[Principal Victoria's office again]_

**VICTORIA**: _[outraged] _Mr. Garrison, the school has had enough with your behavior in this school! What in God's name possessed you to take out your anger on Filmore Anderson?!

**GARRISON**: You saw it for yourself, Principal Victoria! There was only one student, they all deliberately avoided lessons with me!

**VICTORIA**: So what?! Even if there's only one student, a teacher's purpose is to teach that student! And don't you think kids avoid you for a reason?!

**GARRISON**: _[unsure] _W-what?

**VICTORIA**: For Christ's sake, Mr. Garrison, you are probably the worst teacher any school could possibly have! You constantly torment your students with your outbursts of anger and personal problems, you teach them only nonsense, you insult them all the time, scare them, not to mention the fact that you have a history of sexual molestation! The only reason you haven't been fired yet is because your grandfather was my mentor, but sometimes I'm wondering if keeping you here is not insulting his memory!

**GARRISON**: _[astonished] _Principal Victoria, I…

**VICTORIA**: Not a word more, Garrison! I have put up with you for a long time. But not anymore. Herbert Garrison, you can consider yourself sacked! What's more, I am going to write to the Denver School Administration and request your official suspension as a teacher!

**GARRISON**: You can't do this! Teaching is all I know!

**VICTORIA**: Wrong! Television series from the nineties and sex are all you know! Get the hell out of my office!

* * *

**CRAIG**: They have a nuke.

**RANDY**: What?

_[We see Craig reporting to Randy in the command tent, also known as the living room. There are six kindergarteners behind the boy in the chullo hat]_

**CRAIG**: All the scouts saw it. They have a nuke, built by Doctor Mephesto.

**KYLE**: Wow, I never knew he could do such a thing.

**JIMBO**: What are we gonna do, Randy?

**RANDY**: _[after a pause] _Now we can't do anything. I'll call the general. _[dials the number quickly]_ Hello? General? Hey, how are you doing… It's Randy Marsh. Randy Marsh, from South Park. Yeah, I was just wondering… Could we borrow a nuke from you? Okay, okay, calm down. Yeah, just wondering… Oh, no, I'm not going to use it, it's just that my neighbor's got one and… All right, no need to yell! I promise. Uh-huh. Great. See you tonight, then! Bye!

**SHEILA**: Well, what did he say, Randy?

**RANDY**: Oh, it's gonna be delivered by midnight.

**GERALD**: Oh, that's a relief.

**STAN**: How can that possibly be a relief?!

**MR. STOLEY**: Personally, I'm more worried what they're gonna try next. A Death Star?

_[He grins. Nobody else reacts]_

**RANDY**: _[pinches the bridge of his nose] _Stoley, goddamnit…

* * *

_[South Park Community Center, about noon. A crowd has gathered inside. We see Timmy, Clyde and Kevin offering seats while Cartman prepares his PowerPoint presentation]_

**CARTMAN**: Thank you all for coming, ladies and gentlemen. Through this presentation I'd like to warn you of a certain villain that has recently moved here to terrorize our mountain town. I 'm talking about none other than Walter Darling. _[The slide shows a fairly normal picture of Walter]_ Some of you are probably wondering how this is possible. His first crime is, of course, not being an ordinary honest man like you and me, but being a French dick. And French people piss everyone off, don't they? Well, they piss me off, but I'm sure you feel the same way. His second, and most devious crime, is being a pedofahl.

**MARVIN**: This is bull-crap, young man! I've known this boy for a few years and he's a lot more reasonable than my son, Howard!

**CARTMAN**: That might be believable, old man, if you had a son named Howard. Yes, it seems unbelievable, yet many people we don't know may in fact be child molesters. I can and will prove that this man has had sexual relations with his daughter, which is of course quite understandable, since she is a Mary Sue and she must have such a backstory. And as I collected the evidence with my own hands…

**TIMMY**: Timmah!

**CARTMAN**: …With my trusted friends, it is our job to raise awareness. You want proof? You got it.

_[The slide changes to a picture of two gay men embracing each other naked we have already seen in the episode Cripple Fight, but with Jimmy's head on it. This time, one man has got Walter's head and the other Fiona's. The crowd turns its eyes away and shrieks in unison]_

**CARTMAN**: Yes, it is quite shocking, isn't it? Let's see how you like these.

_[The crowd is shown several other photos of sexual nature. They give out some exclamations of disgust. Only Liane doesn't turn her eyes away]_

**LIANE**: Oh, isn't that one of mine?

**YATES**: Enough! Just tell us where he is and we'll arrest the beast!

**CARTMAN**: Just follow my lead… And civilians, also come with me… You'll probably need torches or something.

_[He walks out and smiles slyly]_

**CARTMAN**: _[to himself] _It couldn't have been easier…

* * *

_[The scene cuts to Randy, still in the living room. Stan and Kyle approach him slowly]_

**STAN**: Dad? We need to talk.

**RANDY**: What is it, son?

**KYLE**: Mr. Marsh, me and Stan have been thinking… You need to stop the war. It's Canada all over again.

**RANDY**: What do you mean?

**STAN**: Dad, we can't do this anymore. I know at first we wanted to do some actual fighting… But there's one hell of a difference between playing at war and actually starting a war. And now you're bringing out nukes? Seriously? Don't you care what will happen to your family?

**RANDY**: Hey, Darling started it!

**STAN**: But you can end it!

**KYLE**: That's right! Do the right thing, Mr. Marsh. End this war.

**RANDY**: _[Sighs. There is a pause] _…Boys, I'd really like to help you, but… I just can't give it to Darling… It would be like admitting that all these years he had been right.

**STAN**: What?

_[Sharon enters the room]_

**SHARON**: Oh, for God's sake, Randy, so you have been putting our lives in danger just so you could win your stupid childish quarrel?

**RANDY**: Hey, Sharon, it was not stupid! It had a lot at stake!

**SHARON**: _[annoyed] _Then go on, why don't you tell the boys why they have been fighting all this time?

**RANDY**: Well… _[unsure] _…Yeah. It was like this, you see…

* * *

_**Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. I made a cliffhanger! Only one chapter to go, stay tuned, I'll probably update a week and a half from now.  
**_

**_Wensleydale_**


	7. Darling Gets An Anal Biscuit

_**And now for the final chapter. I'm glad I wrote the whole thing in one go. Seven chapters, God… Thank you for sticking with me and for your constant feedback, I really appreciate it. Sorry for the delay, I hope I'll stick to schedules from now on. Saturday seems to be a good day for updating. Although this is the final chapter, keep in mind there's still the deleted scenes AND the preview for the next episode, The Prince And The Porpoise. I'll probably upload the first chapter of this episode in three weeks (all right, bought myself some time…). Anyway, enjoy the show.**_

* * *

_[The flashback begins with a view of the bus stop 32 years ago. We see little Randy Marsh, Gerald Broflovski, Stuart McCormick and Walter Darling singing in a mimicry of the episode "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe"]_

**BOYS**: _[singing] __School day, school day, teacher's golden ru..._

**RANDY**: _[looks to the left] _Ah, damn it!

**GERALD**: What's the matter?

**RANDY**: My big brother's trying to follow me to school again. _[Points left. We see Jimbo in his early twenties next to Randy]_ Jimbo, you can't go to school with me!

**WALTER**: Yes, go home, you bloody sodder!

**JIMBO**: Hey, don't call me a sodder, kid!

**GERALD**: What's a sodder?

**RANDY**: Well, I don't know... _[faces Walter and points at him]_ and I'll bet Darling doesn't know either!

**WALTER**: Don't be impertinent, I know what it means!

**RANDY**: Well, what?

**WALTER**: I- I'm not going to tell you!

**GERALD**: What's a sodder, Stu?

**STUART**: _[beat] …_Why are you asking me this?

**GERALD**: _[shrugs]_ No idea.

**RANDY**: Hey, you know my half-brother's going to be in the army? Check this out! Ready, Jimbo? Kick the soldier!

**JIMBO**: Hey, don't kick the soldier!

**RANDY**: Kick the soldier!

_[He kicks Jimbo on the ankle. Nothing happens. He looks up, Jimbo looks right back at him and kicks Randy, sending him flying]_

**WALTER**: Wow, that was quite a pretty sight…

**JIMBO**: That's it, Randy, I'm not going to school with you again. _[Walks away]_

_[Randy comes back to the boys. Walter yawns]_

**GERALD**: Whoa, Walter! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.

**WALTER**: Well, yes, I always have these peculiar nightmares after I eat those biscuits before sleep, but there wasn't anything else, so…

**RANDY**: Wait, wait. What did you say you ate?

**WALTER**: Well… Biscuits. You haven't got biscuits in America? _[spits] _Those little round cakes with chocolate sprinkles on top. Surely you've got them here.

**RANDY**: Oooh, you mean cookies.

**WALTER**: What? _[Glares at Randy]_

**RANDY**: When you mean cookies, why don't you say cookies?

**WALTER**: "Cookies" is an improper word, old chap. It's… American. _[spits]_

**RANDY**: Well, we're in America, after all. _[Walter spits]_ Why not say cookies?

**WALTER**: Because we created your language, that's why! It's biscuits!

**RANDY**: No, it's cookies!

**WALTER**: No, it's biscuits!

**RANDY**: Cookies!

**WALTER**: Biscuits!

**RANDY**: Cookies!

**WALTER**: Biscuits!

**RANDY**: COOKIES!

**WALTER**: BISCUITS!

**RANDY**: COOKIES!

**WALTER**: BISCUITS!

**STUART**: Hey, guys… Calm down…

**RANDY AND WALTER**: SHUT UP!

_[They push Stuart on the road and suddenly a car runs over him. A fat Italian with a chef's hat waves at the boys]_

**ITALIAN**: Buon giorno, children!

**WALTER**: Ah, hello, chef.

**RANDY**: Oh, my God! We killed Stu!

**GERALD**: You bastards!

_[They just stare in silence for a few seconds. The Italian chef drives away]_

**RANDY**: …Anyway, they were cookies!

**WALTER**: Biscuits!

**RANDY**: COOKIES!

**WALTER**: BISCUITS!

**RANDY**: COOKIES!

**WALTER**: BISCUITS!

_[They go on like this until the flashback fades away]_

* * *

_[Back in the Marsh residence, Kyle is outraged as usual]_

**KYLE**: I can't believe it! All this time you have been hating each other because of an argument over how to call cookies?!

**STAN**: …Or biscuits.

**KYLE**: Never mind about that! Come on, you guys, we're going to solve this thing once and for all!

**STAN**: Hey, wasn't that Stuart who died Kenny's d-

**KYLE**: No! It must've been somebody else. Now come on!

* * *

_[Outside Mr. Garrison's house, late afternoon. Garrison is sitting on the pavement, crying his eyes out. Mr. Slave approaches him, hesitates, then sits beside him]_

**GARRISON**: _[sobbing] _Go away, Mr. Slave. Because of you, I just got fired!

**SLAVE**: Jesuth Christh…

**GARRISON**: I mean, what am I supposed to do now? I dedicated all my life to teaching and now it turns out I suck at it! What should I do, Mr. Slave? Tell me!

**SLAVE**: Mr. Garrithon…

**GARRISON**: Can you imagine doing something you thought you would be doing your whole life until some young suck-up comes in and kicks you in the teeth?!

**SLAVE**: Mr. Garrithon…

**GARRISON**: And finally you find yourself out on the street with no job prospects and nothing to pay the mortgage with! Can you imagine that, Slave?!

**SLAVE**: Mr. Garrithon, I resigned.

**GARRISON**: And then you… _[flinches] _what?

**SLAVE**: I resigned, Mr. Garrithon.

**GARRISON**: Wh-why? I thought this was your dream.

**SLAVE**: One of my many dreamth. But you know, I learned thomething today. If you want your relationship to keep going, that meanth compromiseth. So now I'm warning you – I'm willing to give up on my dream, but that's the last compromithe I'm ever gonna make.

**GARRISON**: B-but wait, that still doesn't change the fact that I'm fired.

**SLAVE**: Oh, Jesuth Christh, I asked her to give you one more chance on your behalf. She's willing to have you back.

**GARRISON**: _[smiles through his tears] _Oh, Mr. Slave… I don't know what to say…

_[They embrace shortly before being interrupted by a raging crowd, led by Darryl Weathers. The two gay men turn around to see what's going on]_

**CROWD**: Pedophile! Child molester!

**GARRISON**: Hey! That's not fair! I've got this phase behind me! It's all in the past now!

**DARRYL**: No, not you, Garrison! The one on the news, the Englishman! He molested his daughter! He lives next to the Marshes!

**GARRISON**: What? He's takin' mah job!

**DARRYL**: _[confused] _That's what Ah always say!

_[Mr. Garrison runs off with the crowd. Mr. Slave looks at him go, smiles, glad that his boyfriend is himself again and walks home]_

* * *

_[The battlefield, "no-man's-land". Kyle is seen mediating between Walter and Randy]_

**KYLE**: Okay, so are you both prepared to lay down your arms and surrender?

**BOTH**: _[sulking] _Yes…

**KENNY**: _[chuckles] _(Will you lay down your balls, too?)

**KYLE**: Shut up, Kenny. And you're both fine with the American government _[Walter spits] _taking your weapons? And Mr. Darling, would you mind not doing that? It's starting to get really annoying.

**WALTER**: I can't help it. It's a reflex action. Wouldn't it be in order for the British government to take my weapons?

**KYLE**: Considering they were all made in the US by Am… our… manufacturers as well as Doctor Mephesto, I don't think that's an option. Are you both fine with what I just said?

**BOTH**: Yes.

**KYLE**: Then the war is officially over! _[Several people clap their hands]_

**JASON**: Yaaay, the war is over! Hooray for Jason, everyone! _[no-one reacts, Jason is disappointed] _Aww…

**SHARON**: What's that noise?

_[We can hear police sirens. Suddenly, police vehicles surround the battlefield. In one of them, we see Cartman with Inspector Harrison Yates. They come out]_

**CARTMAN**: There he is, officer! _[points his finger at Walter]_

**KENNY**: (Eric?)

**YATES**: Walter Darling, you are under arrest for domestic violence and pedophilia. You have the right to remain silent. _[Detains the surprised Walter]_

**WALTER**: What on earth is happening?

**YATES**: You sicken me, you weed! _[spits at him]_

**WALTER**: I beg your pardon?! Don't you spit at me, you American! _[spits]_

**CARTMAN**: _[approaching a random girl from his class] _See, Feehna? Thanks to me, you're safe from a pedofahl!

_[beat]_

**MILLY**: Ahm Milly!

_[In the meantime, the rest of the crowd from the Community Center have arrived]_

**KYLE**: Cartman! _[approaches him] _I knew I shouldn't have left you alone! What the hell are you doing?!

**CARTMAN**: I told you fags I'd get rid of him.

**KYLE**: This isn't the time for one of your stupidities, fatass! Release him!

**RANDY**: _[to himself] _Wait a minute! If Darling is going away… This is the best time to attack his troops! _[to his army]_ Men! To arms!

**STAN**: No, dad!_ [blocks his way]_ Look, don't you see it? You can't turn a small quarrel into an all-out war! You and Fiona's dad had some issues over your vocabularies, but producing nukes doesn't seem to be a good way to solve it! And the snowball fight? We just wanted to have some fun, but the two of you made such a serious business out of it that now we want out! Not to mention the fact that your war started because you wanted us to play safely. I mean, how exactly are cannons and machine guns safe?! And just for the record, petty arguments aren't exactly good reasons to invade your neighbor. When you're neighbors with someone, you don't even have to like them. Just living in peace with them is enough unless you want a full-scale conflict. The war is over, dad. Don't start it all over again.

**RANDY**: You… You're right, Stan. _[to Yates] _Officer, stop! This man is innocent.

**YATES**: No, he's not. He's charged for child molestation. We have evidence.

**KYLE**: _[glares] _Cartman?

**RANDY**: Can I see this? _[studies the photograph] _Well, officer, I think you have made a mistake. This girl's head is clearly photoshopped to another man's neck. The only thing this picture proves is that Darling is gay.

**WALTER**: My head is also photoshopped!

**YATES**: Oh. I should've expected that much of a man named "Darling". Hands off me, faggot! _[releases him and walks away]_

**RANDY**: Darling… I'm sorry for being such a dick and making a big deal out of nothing. I promise I'll be a better neighbor for you from now on. _[pats him on the back]_

**WALTER**: _[flinches, disgusted] _Don't touch me.

**STAN**: _[to Kyle] _Whew, so everything turned out okay. Dad and Mr. Darling are going to be good neighbors, Cartman failed to do his crazy scheme again…

**GARRISON**: That's right, boys. I got my job back and made up with Mr. Slave…

**STAN**: _[frowns at him] _Who asked you?

**KYLE**: And I also learned that sometimes you have to make compromises and be flexible. Rules aren't for breaking, but can be bent to avoid conflicts.

**STAN**: Yeah.

**CLYDE**: _[making his way through the crowd] _What's going on? Annie, switch places, I can't see!

_[Suddenly, Kyle hits him in the face hard. Clyde falls on the floor and everybody backs up from Kyle, astonished]_

**KYLE**: _[in a fit of rage] _Nobody! Fucking! Switches! SIDES! UNDERSTAND?!

**CARTMAN**: _[Examining unconscious Clyde] _He's never gonna become Clyde One, that guy…

* * *

_[The ending credits, accompanied by 'Allo 'Allo! theme music, roll.]_

_YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING:_

_ERIC CARTMAN  
STAN MARSH  
KYLE BROFLOVSKI  
BUTTERS STOTCH_

_RANDY MARSH  
WENDY TESTABURGER  
JIMMY VALMER  
FIONA MCTEAGLE_

_WALTER DARLING  
PHILLIP ARGYLE  
TERRANCE STOOT  
HERBERT GARRISON_

_HUBERT SLAVE  
CLYDE DONOVAN  
TIMMY BURCH  
KEVIN STOLEY_

_SHEILA BROFLOVSKI  
IKE BROFLOVSKI  
JIMBO KERN  
NED GERBLANSKY_

_ESTHER STOLEY  
PIP PIRRUP  
CRAIG TUCKER  
ANNIE FAULK_

_SHARON MARSH  
LIANE CARTMAN  
PRINCIPAL VICTORIA  
CHRIS SWOLLENBALLS_

_TOM PUSSLICKER  
GERALD BROFLOVSKI  
THE FOUR-STAR GENERAL  
ALPHONZ MEPHESTO_

_STUART MCCORMICK  
STEPHEN STOTCH  
FILMORE ANDERSON  
MR. STOLEY_

_MARVIN MARSH  
HARRISON YATES  
DARRYL WEATHERS  
MILLY RACIST_

_And KENNY MCCORMICK  
With CLYDE FROG_

_Written by WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR_

_Edited by JOHN-SP150_

_Created by TREY PARKER, MATT STONE_

_Songs used:  
South Park Title Theme by PRIMUS  
'Allo 'Allo! Theme by DAVID CROFT AND ROY MOORE_

_Special thanks to:_

_JOHN-SP150_  
_COYOTE SMITH_  
_DOINGYOURMOM_  
_AMANDA NOSEBRIDGEPINCH_  
_I RUN WITH SPORKS_  
_IHATEMARYSUES_  
_OTHER REVIEWERS AND FELLOW WRITERS AND SP FANS FROM THE SOUTH PARK LAND FORUM_

* * *

_**And there you have it. I've become obsessed with those title themes… Tell me all your thoughts about the fic and stay tuned for all the things I have in store for you. And another thing…**_

_**I'm thinking of starting my own SPA Zetaboards forum. Of course all reviewers are invited, while I also recommend Doingyourmom's forum, South Park Land, the same site. He will probably have more time to manage his forum and it already has some interesting threads not only about SP, but also Adventure Time, Breaking Bad and other shows. I just want some place to post my crappy work and discuss the show, run by myself. It'd be just an experiment for now. Do you think it's a good idea?**_

_**Wensleydale**_


	8. Preview

**Due to lack of time, I've decided to show you the preview for The Prince And The Porpoise first. Enjoy your World Mass Guessing.**

* * *

_[The school cafeteria. Kyle makes his way through the cafeteria, the kids in line glaring at him. He finally reaches Chef who waves at him with his spatula]_

**CHEF**: Hello there, children.

**KYLE**: Hey, Chef.

**CHEF**: How's it goin'?

**KYLE**: Bad.

**CHEF**: Why bad?

**KYLE**: Chef, am I racist?

_[Chef raises an eyebrow]_

* * *

_[The classroom. Wendy is standing next to Garrison's desk]  
_

**WENDY**: _[turning off the overhead projector]_ …And that concludes my presentation on why porpoises are sea mammals. Not fish. Certainly not fish. No.

**GARRISON**: _[sarcastically] _Fascinating piece of information, Wendy. Does anyone have any questions? Clyde?

**CLYDE**: _[lowers his hand] _Yeah, it's just I always thought porpoises had shells and walked on land. Don't they do that?

**WENDY**: _[glares at him] _No, that's tortoises.

**CLYDE**: Oh. Really?

**WENDY**: _[annoyed] _I'm pretty sure.

* * *

**_At an all new South Park Aargh, starting Saturday at 10:00 PM, GMT+1 on !_**


	9. Deleted Scenes part 1

_**This is the original ending scene for PSHN. Back in the early version the main plot was supposed to be a more serious flashback leading to a comical gold rush in South Park. Walter was supposed to have written a book about legendary gold in SP to get revenge on Randy, Stuart and Gerald who blamed him for spreading practically the same rumour thirty years ago… but I decided that wasn't silly enough for South Park, especially since that would be the third money-centered episode in SPA. Out of four.**_

_**As I said before, I still like the ending. It's sort of a paradox, if I don't write the ending first, it is usually just crappy and rushed. These two here are the only ones I actually like in my fics… Well, maybe "Fiona" wasn't that bad either. Anyway, I finally figured out how to write in a proper structure, so I'm proud of myself. *An eruption of smug follows***_

* * *

_[Kyle and Kenny are seen running through the excavation site, or rather through the streets of South Park, where it is now located The road is full of holes and underground tunnels and are barely accessible on foot. The two boys finally reach Randy's mining base]_

**KYLE**: Mr. Marsh! You have to stop digging right now!

**RANDY**: _[doesn't hear anything because he's in the middle of operating the drill] _I don't know where Stan is, Kyle, go play somewhere else!

**KYLE**: There's not time for that now, South Park is in danger! _[approaches the __neighbouring__ hut] _Mr. Darling, you have to listen! We need to stop digging now!

**WALTER**: Oh, I see what's going on! Randy has sent you here to hamper my movements! Typical! Well, you can tell him he can sod off and die! Keep digging, Leopold.

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yes sir…

**KYLE**: Everyone, you have to listen to me! Mr. Donovan? Mr. Valmer? Ned! Doctor Gouache! Mr. Mackey?

**JIMBO**: Sorry, kid, but we don't have time! There's gold out there waitin' for us! _[Shoots the ground with a machine gun for some reason]_

**MR TESTABURGER'S VOICE**: I found it!

_[All the townspeople follow the voice. We see Wendy's dad in a ditch holding a golden, shiny rock in his hand triumphantly]_

**SKEETER**: He has gold! We don't take kindly to folk who have gold 'round here!

**BARKEEP**: Now calm down, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin'… Hey! He's got gold! Get him!

_[The excavation site becomes one giant brawl. Father Maxi is seen punching and kicking Thomas Tucker, Ned kicking Roger Donovan (who in turn is strangling Stuart McCormick) in the testicles and Walter, suddenly with an umbrella in his hand, is seen dueling Randy, armed with a shovel]_

**KYLE**: No, listen! Goddamnit, you people are such retards!

_[After a few seconds, Stan approaches the ditch]_

**STAN**: The gold is fake.

_[Everyone stops fighting. The diggers are astonished]_

**MR ADLER**: Wh-what?

**STAN**: The rocks that were discovered in South Park… It's fool's gold. It's worthless.

**WALTER**: It can't be!

**STAN**: Well, it is. It's been examined by the South Park Geology Office. Maybe if you paid more attention to your job, dad, you would have known it was all for nothing.

**RANDY**: Wait, so we made the exactly same mistake as those adults 30 years ago? Boy, I sure am glad it didn't turn out like last time.

**STAN**: _[annoyed] _Will somebody please tell me what happened last time?!

**JIMBO**: Well, who the hell is responsible for this?

**RANDY**: I'll tell you who's responsible! Didn't someone here write a book about the legendary gold of South Park? _[glares at Walter]_

**WALTER**: Well, didn't someone else come up with an idea to spread a rumous thirty years ago?

**RANDY**: You know very well it was you, Darling!

**WALTER**: Don't you try to put the blame on me, you bloody fool!

**GERALD**: Oh, stop it! If you had ever listened to me, this gold thing wouldn't have happened again! It was neither Randy nor Darling!

**STUART**: Then who was it?

* * *

_**Cue Garrison and Slave scene from chapter 7. At the end, instead of admitting he's guilty, he puts all the blame on Mr. Hat. The townspeople, stupid as they are, believe him and storm Garrison's house to find the hand puppet.  
**_

* * *

_[The townspeople are building a pyre to burn Mr. Hat. Kyle, Stan and Kenny follow them. Suddenly, Chef appears behind the boys]_

**CHEF**: Hello there, children.

**BOYS**: Hey, Chef.

**CHEF**: How's it goin'?

**KYLE**: Okay, I guess. They're burning Mr. Hat alive for having started a rumor 30 years ago.

**CHEF**: Well, at least it didn't end up like last time.

**STAN**: _[frustrated] _What- …Oh, forget it…

_[We can hear police sirens. Suddenly, police vehicles surround the pyre. In one of them, we see Cartman with Inspector Harrison Yates. They come out]_

**CARTMAN**: There he is, officer! _[points his finger at Walter]_

**KENNY**: (Eric?)

**YATES**: Walter Darling, you are under arrest for domestic violence and pedophilia. You have the right to remain silent. _[Detains the surprised Walter]_

**WALTER**: What on earth is happening?

**YATES**: You sicken me, you weed! _[spits at him]_

**WALTER**: I beg your pardon?! Don't you spit at me, you American! _[spits]_

**CARTMAN**: _[approaching a random girl from his class] _See, Feehna? Thanks to me, you're safe from a pedofahl!

_[beat]_

**MILLY**: Ahm Milly!

**KYLE**: Cartman! _[approaches him] _I knew I shouldn't have left you alone! What the hell are you doing?!

**CARTMAN**: I told you fags I'd get rid of him.

**KYLE**: This isn't the time for one of your stupidities, fatass! Release him!

**CARTMAN**: We've got proof, Kahl! _[shows him the photoshopped picture] _Besides, there is an armored car coming to put him in jail!

**KYLE**: Armored car… No! _[panics]_

**STAN**: What's the matter?

**KYLE:** Don't you see? If anything else this heavy comes here, that Nelson guy told me the town is sure to col-

_[The armored car appears. There are suddenly heavy tremors everywhere. The townspeople look around. Out of the blue, the earth starts to crack. The crowd panics. Finally, the town collapses under all its weight into the underground tunnels. Some people are unconscious, there is rubble everywhere. Stan is the first to stand up]_

**STAN**: _[putting his cap back on] _Huh. So this is what happened last time.

_[The townspeople slowly rise from the rubble. Kyle brushes the dust off himself angrily. He faces a large crowd]_

**KYLE**: You see? You see what your stupidity just did? It's always the same, every single time you have to blame one another so that there is no-one to take responsibility for what they did! Don't you see it? We shouldn't blame each other because sometimes, even if we don't admit it, we are all just a little guilty. I'm not saying that in every matter we should all just put the blame on society and do nothing about it. No, what I mean is that you should all realize that you are part of the society and we shouldn't argue, but make compromises to avoid further conflicts!

_[There is a moment of silence. Everyone is looking in Kyle's direction, open-mouthed. Kyle seems confused]_

**KYLE**: What? What are you staring at me for?

**STAN**: Uh, Kyle, you might wanna take a look around.

_[As Kyle turns around, we see a humongous stack of gold behind him]_

**WALTER**: You've… got to be joking.

**RANDY**: _[checks some of the gold] _It's all real. It's the real thing!

**GERALD**: There's so much… What should we do with it?

**GARRISON**: You know, we could have a naked brawl among all the men in town and the winner would get all of it… _[All the men glare at him] _Just sayin'…

**RANDY**: No, you know, Gerald, your son's right! All this gold, whether fictional or real, has only been a source of quarrels for our town! Darling… I'm sorry for being such a dick and blaming you for all this. I promise I'll be a better neighbor to you from now on. _[pats him on the back]_

**WALTER**: _[disgusted] _Don't touch me.

**RANDY**: Now, let's put all the gold back to the cave where it came from!

_[No response from the crowd]_

**STEPHEN**: Yeah… Or we could use it to restore the town back to normal…

**RANDY**: Oh, yeah, that's also a good idea.

**MAYOR**: Don't bother… Status Quo will probably take care of it, anyway.

**MR TESTABURGER**: Hey, I've got an idea, how about we give all the gold to the poorest family in South Park?

_[Sounds and nods of approval. Kenny immediately becomes interested]_

**KENNY**: (What? Woo-hoo!)

_[We cut to the Black family's villa being rebuilt and their new furniture being carried back in. The McCormicks observe the scene with disappointed faces. Token approaches Kenny and pats him on the shoulder]_

**TOKEN**: Maybe next time, Kenny. _[walks away]_

_[THE END]_

* * *

_**There might be a few more deleted scenes, but next week it's the premiere of The Prince And The Porpoise. Hope you all enjoyed PSHN, thank you all for your support.**  
_

_**Wensleydale**_


End file.
